Here is what they told me. It bears repeating.
Legend has it that Isaac Newton discovered the law of gravity while sitting in a garden, watching apples fall perpendicularly to the ground. However, this is not true. I have learned from my confidential sources that his nickname was Isaac "Fig" Newton and that those who claim the Fig Newton cookie was named after Newton, Massachusetts are involved in a great cover-up. That's nothing new.
My sources tell me that when Isaac was a child, he was so fond of figs that his mother had to warn him against eating too many, for as you probably know, figs, like prunes, are filled with fiber and possess a laxative quality. Isaac was defecating so much and so often that his mother was alarmed. But a mother's panic at a child's toilet habits can be a source of insight years later.
So it was that years later it was Isaac's experience on the potty that gave him his great insight into gravity. Reflecting back on his childhood, he realized that sh*t always went down, never up (there were no electric fans in those days, so no one would say that it went up when "sh*t hit the fan" like they're saying about this year's election). He remembered his mother's loving words when as a boy he would tell his mom he had to "take a sh*t," she would always remind him that it was always better to give than take, so he should "give a sh*t."
Alas, it was Isaac's chore to take the family potty out behind the house where it was emptied down into a deep hole about six feet under. Thus, the adult Isaac came to call his discovery gravity, after the grave. He scientifically proved what everyone already knew: that everything and everyone goes down, eventually. Not the most uplifting news, I grant you, but I have reliable sources for that also.
So I readily admit I am guilty of this inclination toward low-level "crime," as the professors so brilliantly explicated. No doubt, it is connected to my conspiratorial and paranoid mindset. I hope that much is clear. Sometimes I just can't resist the forbidden fruit. Although not an apple, it seems to give me insight into the knowledge of good and evil, and who is following whom.
For some reason, I suspect those brillig academics and mainstream corporate journalists will not be writing about the elite criminals who conspire to invade countries, kill millions, blame it on others, and conduct vast propaganda campaigns. Those are crimes against humanity, and are beyond the purview of work aimed at showing how sick everyday people are who suspect that their leaders are big-time criminals.
These writers are following their bosses. Unlike Isaac, they don't give a sh*t.
They are full of it.
I'm not really sorry. I got that ass-backwards.
(Article changed on November 3, 2020 at 10:19)
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