For the Tea Party: Beer to cry in. If the GOP doesn't let them down, the President will crush their dreams pitilessly. Be merciful, Santa. I hear alcohol helps numb the pain.
For John Huntsman: The gift of a party change. The Republicans hate him. The Democrats would welcome him with open arms and love him. And everyone needs love, even conservatives.
For Rick Santorum: A name tag. He must be so tired of hearing "Rick who?"
For the millions of American homeless: A house.
For the millions of empty and foreclosed American houses: A family.
For the global recession: A swift, merciful death.
For every teacher and every politician: The gift of swapping jobs for a year. They'll both be richer for the experience. One in cash, the other in character.
For the holders of bonds denominated in Euros: Wallpaper paste.
For the holders of bonds denominated in Dollars: Promissory notes denominated in Yuan.
For the Chinese Communist Party who holds all of that paper: Mao suits for the peasants when they rise up and take away the Mandate of Heaven.
For the hedge fund honchos: A real job planting real hedges, to get them in touch with their roots. (Don't groan at my puns or Santa will put a lump of coal in your stocking.)
No, I take that back. This year all the bad boys and girls will get a solar cell in their Christmas stockings. Santa is going green.
For all our troops in Afghanistan: A ticket home, a paid-up mortgage and a Hamid Karzai dartboard for the den.
For a generation that stares at a screen 16 hours a day and thinks that's living life: Ah, what's the point; that ship has sailed. Give them a new smartphone.
I haven't forgotten about you, Santa. You need a gift more than anybody. I've been talking to the reindeer and they suggest a year's membership at Curves. They can't take it anymore.
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