Darlene Lancer: Yes. So-called global statements have started to be questioned, too, as not necessarily positive; some researchers are suggesting that instead of praising the results of a child's actions, their effort should be praised.
Martha Rosenberg: Why are these parental pronouncements so important?
Darlene Lancer: When parents empathically "match" their children's emotions, they're helping them to build an individual self. If the child's feelings aren't mirrored, the child will feel invisible and thinks "what is wrong with me for feeling this way." Family settings that are devoid of feelings are sometimes called "anaerobic psychological milieus." Often clients tell me they could not pinpoint anything wrong in their childhood but they never felt in an emotional connection with their parents and had an emptiness inside.
Martha Rosenberg: In Conquering Shame and Codependency you discuss the difference between shame and guilt which can often be blurred as concepts.
Darlene Lancer: Guilt occurs when someone realizes that something he did that had an impact on someone else. In Twelve Step groups, there is an opportunity to relieve the guilt through making amends. It can actually be a good thing. Shame, on the other hand, is about the feeling of being a failure and someone's identity. Unlike guilt, it is irredeemable, can't be fixed with amends and drives people into further isolation. Guilt builds empathy because it makes a person to wonder, "what did I do to that person" whereas shame makes a person wonder, "what is that person thinking about me"?" Shame causes low self-esteem and anxiety which drive addictions like alcoholism and eating disorders and other behaviors.
Martha Rosenberg: You have said that until someone can quit an addiction like drug use, they can't address underlying codependency.
Darlene Lancer: Yes denial is usually very strong, and people often use their addiction to a drug or process before they can deal with the other issues of codependency, like control, intimacy issues, denial of feelings and needs, and shame.
Martha Rosenberg: You have also said that codependency is a progressive disease like alcoholism that leads to physical symptoms including chronic pain and final feelings of being "dead" inside. Can you describe some of your clients' recoveries from shame and codependency?
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