Diary: How to talk right posh.

Even Archer could not have dreamt up Jeffrey Archer. His own life made the lives of heroes in his novels, seem insipid fare indeed. The film of him cheating, as a young Olympic sprinter, should have given us clues as to the sumptuous feast in store, but no one could have guessed that this was a mere aperitif.

The sprinting incident could be forgiven as exuberance and in line with what some would do anyway. He played his hand as well as he could, given that he was not a great runner. Making the team was a wonderful achievement. At least he got himself into a position to use his strengths like the best football strikers?they are never ?just? at the right place etc?they make their own luck! He was pretty good at cheating, so, if there is no actual event in what he does well, then he should work it into his routine. He?s being adaptive! We didn?t gain an Empire by waiting for some starter gun. ?On your marks?, we would load the Lee Enfields. ?Get Set?, we would take aim and fire.

The plot thickens. Archer starts work for an International Charity. Fighting back to become an Member of Parliament, after losing all the collection tins is the script for a TV film on its own. He is still a young man, but showing maturity and vision here. No one had previously fleeced charities with such panache. They all lacked his depth. He always saw the bigger picture and a whole new opportunity arose to dip into the cookie jar as an MP.

The follow up screenplay, ?The Gathering Wealth?, could focus on his time in the Commons. This would cover his early financial success, then his fall from grace, becoming bankrupt years before it was fashionable. Perhaps then, a prequel?. him as a social climbing misfit, meeting his rich, super intelligent and ?fragrant? wife. A fast forward scene could explain why she was described as ?fragrant? by the judge. Judges! A mini series on how they fitted into his life through the decades!

Where are we up to? Oh yes! Becoming a multi millionaire-Vice President of the Tories-friend of Thatcher is still only an entre'e!

Here comes the wine course. It is, famously, Krug Champagne. His ?Krug and Shepherd?s pie? parties were the events to be at, with dazzling stars and royalty. I actually went to one. Two England Prop forwards were on the door though and asking for invites. He had reinvented himself again, big style, as a stupendously successful novelist.

They were rubbish but I started one and finished another? ?Kane and Able?. I was on night duty, so there was an excuse, but I read it all. He had a gym and tennis court overlooking the Houses of Parliament, where he was a Lord. I mean Archer. Kane was just a millionaire spy!

The main course is served. He is caught with a woman. Now, the surprise, at first, is that she was a little ordinary, a nice, middle aged lady. Not say, a duchess-ski championing-Miss World, so where were the Archeresque touches? She was paid in fivers in taxis, not in opals in Lear jets.

Was he going to disappoint? Where was Interpol? No ?Sixth Form Cocaine Queen? ?s death to investigate?....No, we were treated to something altogether more classy. Would he just say ?I done it?? Live with the embarrassment? No, of course not.

In very quick succession?..denial, photos, accusations, headlines, court, alibi, fragrant lady, innocent, liable money, then a breather. The belt was unbuckled. Waiter? any chance of a little ?insider dealing? we?ve not tried that.? OK ..back to press, press-ups, set-ups, sit-ups, high court, tennis court, appeal court, jail.

Now, can life as dinner metaphor be pushed any further? You bet. The dessert arrives late, but tasty. Released, he stars in his own play, has a musical written about him and he starts to campaign for prisoner?s rights. At present he is appealling against conviction. Coffee anyone?