"...Loompa-dee-dee, if you are wise you'll listen to me..."

John McCain says that if he is elected president he would offer a $300 million prize to anyone who builds a better car battery. In Fresno, California, Monday McCain said, "I . . . propose we inspire the ingenuity and resolve of the American people by offering a $300 million prize for the development of a battery package that has the size, capacity, cost and power to leapfrog the commercially available plug-in hybrids or electric cars."

A prize. What you get when you win a contest. Like, Best in Show at the NY Kennel Club. A prize. This guy wants to be president of the U.S. so he can launch lots of wars like Bush did and get to look at the torture videos like Bush did and get to tell people to f*ck off like Bush did and get to fly on Air Force One like Bush did and all the other really, really cool stuff that Bush did and his solution to the gasoline/oil/automobile crisis is to suggest a g*ddam contest?

We've seen this before. It's the plot to the Roald Dahl book Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Remember? Candy for life and a tour of the crazed child-killer Willie Wonka's top-secret chocolate factory was the prize for buying a candy bar containing a Golden Ticket.

The five prizewinners were, alas, repulsive children, with the exception of Charlie Bucket, whose family was so poor he could only have one candy bar a year. One by one, the other four children selected for the tour disappear. In various and hideous ways. The Oompa-Loompas sing a song after each, um, disappearance. Charlie almost meets a grisly end also when he and Grandpa Joe linger in the Bubble Room and sample Fizzy-Lifting Drinks. They begin floating to the ceiling and almost get cut to shreds by a large nasty-looking fan. They both burp repeatedly until they return to the ground. Yay.

McCain says the $300 million prize works out to ". . . one dollar, one dollar, for every man, woman and child in the U.S. — a small price to pay for helping to break the back of our oil dependency." Well, that's certainly doable. A dollar apiece. A lousy dollar. And the gasoline/oil/automobile crisis is solved. Just like that. Wow. And, you gotta love the visual in his metaphor, too. "Break the back . . ." Yeah. That's soooo Republican: Break their goddam backs! Crack! Snapple! Pop! Break 'em! And videotape it, too, right, John?

And if the prize idea works, well, hell, the possibilities are endless. Solve the Occupation of Iraq problem, win a battleship! Find a cure for cancer, win free medical care for life! End the planet's dirty air situation, get a free lung transplant!

Say this slowly: President . . . John . . . .McCain.

Again: President . . . John . . . McCain.

Now, cue the Oompah- Loompas.