(a satire by James Boyne)
That 's right. It 's hard to believe, but that 's what my 89-year-old mother, who is in the early stages of Alzheimer 's and is slightly hard of hearing, said to me. She still has her wonderful Irish wit and sense of humor too.
"Quick, come here, listen to this. This is unbelievable ", she yelled to me from the living room TV. "What 's going on ", I replied.
"Listen to this, this is incredible. President Bush has lice and just left some sexist ranch. And he 's carrying around a turkey for ten seconds with a bunch of soldiers in Iraq. It was just on the Nightly News. What 's the world coming to ", she said. "And to think that I was going to vote for him ".
I said, "Mom, I think you may have heard it wrong. That 's Brian Williams, the announcer. He just said "President Bush snuck out of his Texas ranch, not his sexist ranch. Texas, Mom. Not sexist. "
"Well, that 's a relief " she said "but what about the lice ".
"Mom ", I said, the announcer said he snuck out with Rice. Condolezza Rice, that 's his National Security Advisor ".
"Oh ", she said, I thought he said "Bush snuck out of his sexist ranch with lice ".
She said, "What 's he doing living on a ranch anyway. I thought he was suppose to be running the White House and the country ". What 's he do on a ranch in the middle of nowhere? I 've never seen him do one damn thing that on that ranch but walk down that dirt road with the dog, and talk to the reporters. What 's he going all the way to Iraq to have his picture taken with a turkey? How the hell did he get there? And why did he go with lice? I mean that Rice person ".
"Sounds like a waste of money to me ", she said. "Why doesn 't he just stay in the White House and get some work done in that oval office, like Clinton did ". "That 's another story ", I said.
"How did he get all the way over there with that turkey all ready for him with all those soldiers who want to come home, cheering for him. Now they want to stay there. Why don 't they make up their minds? One minute they want to come home, the next minute they are cheering to stay there. What 's going on? It 's damn fishy ", she complained.
I said, "Mom, it 's all just politics. Don 't worry about it ".
"How the hell did he get there after he left the sexist ranch with lice ", she repeated.
"Mom ", I said, " It was a Texas ranch, not a sexist ranch and it was Rice, Condolezza Rice, not lice ".
"Oh yeah ", she said, "but how did he get there anyway ".
So I explained to her that Bush snuck out right before Laura was going to serve Thanksgiving dinner and he left by a two vehicle secret motorcade with tinted windows, with Rice and just a few reporters and left on a 747 and flew all night and landed in the darkness, with no runway lights, himself seated right in the cockpit. Then he got off the plane and gave a speech so the troops would want to stay there and not want to come home. And they cheered to stay there. And he said, "Good, we are staying till we get the thugs and assassins. " And they all whooped and cheered, and it was on TV and then he excused himself from the table and said he had to get goin ' back into the 747 and back to the ranch.
She thought for a while and after about five minutes, " Where the hell did that turkey come from that he held up for 10 seconds " she demanded.
"No one knows ", I said. "No one knows if he brought the turkey from the sexist ranch, I mean the Texas ranch, or whether the turkey came from Iraq, or whether the turkey came from America and came to Iraq on a different plane, or whether Laura cooked the turkey, or Rice cooked the turkey, or Bush and Lice, I mean Rice, just absconded from the sexist ranch, I mean the Texas ranch, with the turkey ". "No one knows, Mom ".
Then she thought for another five minutes and said, "And what about that plane. You mean to tell me he took off on a 747 with four or five people on it, and he sat in the cockpit. I thought they were supposed to start locking the cockpit doors and no one, not even the President could get into the cockpit. What are they breaking the rules for. He could have been a fake, a spy, an imposter and hijacked the damn plane. Who checked their baggage for security? What a waste of gas. What a waste of money. Has he lost his mind. Like me. Even I wouldn 't do that. The last time I was on a plane, every single seat was taken, and it was stuffy as hell, and I was caught in the smoking section, because you could smoke on the planes back then. I thought I was going to die with 300 people all crammed on one plane with 30 people puffing away like hell ".
She said, "And what 's with the baseball caps? "
I said, "Oh, the President and Rice disguised themselves with baseball caps pulled down tight ".
"sh*t ", she said. "Now I have heard it all. Our President flees from a sexist ranch in Texas with some woman named Rice who has lice, in baseball caps, and he hops on a 747 from out of no where, and flies halfway around the world to have his picture taken with a turkey for some troops who don 't want to stay there but now they do want to stay there, because the President came there and served them some turkey from God knows where, with some stuffing and gravy ". "Then he goes back to that damn ranch, wherever it is, and says, "Hi, I 'm back ". "And no one recognizes him because he has a baseball cap on. So everyone says, who the hell are you. And he takes off his baseball cap, and they say, "Oh, George, its you, I didn 't recognize you with that cap on. Where the hell have you been, we ate five hours ago. We didn 't think you were coming ".
Then she thought for another five minutes and said, "And to think I was going to vote for him because of that Medicare thing with the free drugs ". I told her, "Mom, they are not going to be free and it doesn 't start until 2006 ".
"2006. I can 't wait till 2006. That 's like waiting forever. He won 't even be President in 2006 at the rate he is going. How the hell can he take a 747 with a couple of people on it, on a moments notice, half way around the world, stay there for two hours, have his picture taken with a turkey for five minutes and with some troops that wanted to come home and now they want to stay there, but I have to wait two God damned years until 2006 to go down to CVS and get my free medication ". "Is he nuts, or have I lost my mind ", she asked?
"Mom ", I said, "the medication isn 't going to be free ".
"That does it ", she said. "I don 't have any money now, and I will have even less in 2006 after paying for two more years of free medication that isn 't free, if I am even here by then. I am going to vote for the other guy. "
"Whose the other guy ", I asked?
"I don 't know who the hell he is. As long as he is the other guy. Whoever the other guy is, that is who I am going to vote for. I want my damn medication, and I want it now, and I want it for free. Just like he said on TV. Him and that damn 747. He better get back to that damn White House and do some work. Let 's eat the damn turkey. I 'm hungry. "
James Boyne is a satirical, political freelance writer and has ten other articles published on www.opednews.com. He has previously been a diehard, staunch, conservative Republican who has voted for Goldwater, Nixon, Ford, Reagan, Bush I and Bush II, and now has made a 180 degree turnabout and supports the candidacy of Congressman Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio), who appears to have the most integrity, honesty, common sense, straightforwardness, enthusiasm, optimism, and "fire in the belly " to be possibly the best President in recent memory. He is a progressive, populist, liberal, Democrat and is a man of principal, intelligence and experience. Mr. Kucinich comes from a humble background and clearly spells out his positions on issues on his web site www.kucinich.us
**It is the responsibility of all Americans to vote. You should know where all the candidates stand on different issues; why they believe what they do; how they plan on carrying out their plans (rather than just empty promises); and get a sense for their character, honesty, commitment, integrity and their vision for America and for the world. You should know what their background is. How did they get to where they are now. Know their life, and you will know them.
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