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- “President Bush With Lice, Sneaks Out of Sexist Ranch”
- (a satire by James Boyne)
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- That’s right. It’s hard to believe, but that’s what my
89-year-old mother, who is in the early stages of Alzheimer’s and is
slightly hard of hearing, said to me. She still has her wonderful
Irish wit and sense of humor too.
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- “Quick, come here, listen to this. This is unbelievable”, she
yelled to me from the living room TV. “What’s going on”, I
replied.
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- “Listen to this, this is incredible. President Bush has lice
and just left some sexist ranch. And he’s carrying around a
turkey for ten seconds with a bunch of soldiers in Iraq. It was just
on the Nightly News. What’s the world coming to”, she said. “And
to think that I was going to vote for him”.
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- I said, “Mom, I think
you may have heard it wrong. That’s
Brian Williams, the announcer. He just said “President Bush snuck
out of his Texas ranch, not his sexist ranch. Texas,
Mom. Not sexist.”
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- “Well, that’s a relief” she said “but what about the lice”.
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- “Mom”, I said, the announcer said he snuck out with Rice.
Condolezza Rice, that’s his National Security Advisor”.
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- “Oh”, she said, I thought he said “Bush snuck out of his sexist
ranch with lice”.
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- She said, “What’s he doing living on a ranch anyway. I thought
he was suppose to be running the White House and the country”.
What’s he do on a ranch in the middle of nowhere? I’ve never seen
him do one damn thing that on that ranch but walk down that dirt road
with the dog, and talk to the reporters. What’s he going all the way
to Iraq to have his picture taken with a turkey? How the hell did he
get there? And why did he go with lice? I mean that Rice
person”.
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- “Sounds like a waste of money to me”, she said. “Why doesn’t
he just stay in the White House and get some work done in that oval
office, like Clinton did”. “That’s another story”, I said.
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- “How did he get all the way over there with that turkey all ready
for him with all those soldiers who want to come home, cheering for
him. Now they want to stay there. Why don’t they make up their
minds? One minute they want to come home, the next minute they are
cheering to stay there. What’s going on? It’s damn fishy”, she
complained.
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- I said, “Mom, it’s all just politics. Don’t worry about it”.
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- “How the hell did he get there after he left the sexist
ranch with lice”, she repeated.
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- “Mom”, I said, “ It was a Texas ranch, not a sexist
ranch and it was Rice, Condolezza Rice, not lice”.
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- “Oh yeah”, she said, “but how did he get there anyway”.
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- So I explained to her that Bush snuck out right before Laura was
going to serve Thanksgiving dinner and he left by a two vehicle secret
motorcade with tinted windows, with Rice and just a few
reporters and left on a 747 and flew all night and landed in the
darkness, with no runway lights, himself seated right in the cockpit.
Then he got off the plane and gave a speech so the troops would want
to stay there and not want to come home. And they cheered to stay
there. And he said, “Good, we are staying till we get the thugs and
assassins.” And they all whooped and cheered, and it was on TV and
then he excused himself from the table and said he had to get goin’
back into the 747 and back to the ranch.
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- She thought for a while and after about five minutes, “ Where the
hell did that turkey come from that he held up for 10 seconds” she
demanded.
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- “No one knows”, I said. “No one knows if he brought the turkey
from the sexist ranch, I mean the Texas ranch, or
whether the turkey came from Iraq, or whether the turkey came from
America and came to Iraq on a different plane, or whether Laura cooked
the turkey, or Rice cooked the turkey, or Bush and Lice, I mean
Rice, just absconded from the sexist ranch, I mean the Texas
ranch, with the turkey”. “No one knows, Mom”.
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- Then she thought for another five minutes and said, “And what
about that plane. You mean to tell me he took off on a 747 with four
or five people on it, and he sat in the cockpit. I thought they were
supposed to start locking the cockpit doors and no one, not even the
President could get into the cockpit. What are they breaking the rules
for. He could have been a fake, a spy, an imposter and hijacked the
damn plane. Who checked
their baggage for security? What a waste of gas. What a waste of
money. Has he lost his mind. Like me. Even I wouldn’t do that. The
last time I was on a plane, every single seat was taken, and it was
stuffy as hell, and I was caught in the smoking section, because you
could smoke on the planes back then. I thought I was going to die with
300 people all crammed on one plane with 30 people puffing away like
hell”.
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- She said, “And what’s with the baseball caps?”
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- I said, “Oh, the President and Rice disguised themselves with
baseball caps pulled down tight”.
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- “Shit”, she said. “Now I have heard it all. Our President
flees from a sexist ranch in Texas with some woman named
Rice who has lice, in baseball caps, and he hops on a
747 from out of no where, and flies halfway around the world to have
his picture taken with a turkey for some troops who don’t want to
stay there but now they do want to stay there, because the President
came there and served them some turkey from God knows where, with some
stuffing and gravy”. “Then he goes back to that damn ranch,
wherever it is, and says, “Hi, I’m back”. “And no one
recognizes him because he has a baseball cap on. So everyone says, who
the hell are you. And he takes off his baseball cap, and they say,
“Oh, George, its you, I didn’t recognize you with that cap on.
Where the hell have you been, we ate five hours ago. We didn’t think
you were coming”.
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- Then she thought for another five minutes and said, “And to think
I was going to vote for him because of that Medicare thing with the
free drugs”. I told her, “Mom, they are not going to be free and
it doesn’t start until 2006”.
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- “2006. I can’t wait till 2006. That’s like waiting forever. He won’t even be President
in 2006 at the rate he is going. How the hell can he take a 747 with a
couple of people on it, on a moments notice, half way around the
world, stay there for two hours, have his picture taken with a turkey
for five minutes and with some troops that wanted to come home and now
they want to stay there, but I have to wait two God damned years until
2006 to go down to CVS and get my free medication”. “Is he nuts,
or have I lost my mind”, she asked?
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- “Mom”, I said, “the medication isn’t going to be free”.
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- “That does it”, she said. “I don’t have any money now, and I
will have even less in 2006 after paying for two more years of free
medication that isn’t free, if I am even here by then. I am going to
vote for the other guy.”
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- “Whose the other guy”, I asked?
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- “I don’t know who the hell he is. As long as he is the other
guy. Whoever the other guy is, that is who I am going to vote for. I
want my damn medication, and I want it now, and I want it for free.
Just like he said on TV. Him and that damn 747. He better get back to
that damn White House and do some work. Let’s eat the damn turkey.
I’m hungry.”
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- James Boyne
- dboyne@aol.com
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- James Boyne is a satirical, political freelance writer and has ten
other articles published on www.opednews.com.
He has previously been a diehard, staunch, conservative Republican who
has voted for Goldwater, Nixon, Ford, Reagan, Bush I and Bush II, and
now has made a 180 degree turnabout and supports the candidacy of
Congressman Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio), who appears to have the
most integrity, honesty, common sense, straightforwardness,
enthusiasm, optimism, and “fire in the belly” to be possibly the
best President in recent memory. He is a progressive, populist,
liberal, Democrat and is a man of principal, intelligence and
experience. Mr. Kucinich comes from a humble background and
clearly spells out his positions on issues on his web site www.kucinich.us
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- **It is the responsibility of all Americans to vote. You should know
where all the candidates stand on different issues; why they believe
what they do; how they plan on carrying out their plans (rather than
just empty promises); and get a sense for their character, honesty,
commitment, integrity and their vision for America and for the world.
You should know what their background is. How did they get to where
they are now. Know their life, and you will know them.
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- Other Articles By James Boyne:
- President
Booosh: We Are In A Pickle
- 36
Reasons To Vote For Bush
- Whoops!
Billion Dollar Cancer Drug Found to Cause Cancer To Spread and Hasten
Death
- Bush:
The Greatest Liberal of the Century
- "So
Rush Just Wanted A Rush"---the Media Gives Rush Limbaugh a Break
- Was I
Globalized or Circumcized? (What It's Really Like To Get Laid Off)
- Bye
Bye Canadian Drugs and AARP
- Iron Hammer:
Bush Attacks Targets Dept Store By Mistake
- Living
Sickly, Dying Quickly
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