Iron Hammer”: Bush and Rumsfeld Attack Targets Department Store By Mistake
By James Boyne
 OpEdNews.com 
 
In a late night White House briefing President Bush ordered Donald Rumsfeld to order the aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk to make a full-scale attack on Targets Department Store with a squadron of F-16 fighter jets. The raid was deemed a complete success since it wiped out Targets in Connecticut, New York, New Jersey and most of the East Coast.
 
The alleged mistake came when Bush demanded that Rumsfeld, execute the new “Iron Hammer” plan which is a pre-emptive strategy for destroying the terrorists strongholds before they have a chance to attack US forces on the ground in Iraq.
 
Bush apparently commanded that Rumsfeld destroy all Targets. He did not specify where the Targets were or what they were, and as Secretary of Defense, Rumsfeld was just following orders.
 
Condolezza Rice stated emphatically that she never shopped in Targets but it was necessary to root out any remnants of the terrorists and that Targets was a legitimate target because of it name. She claimed it’s name, Targets, was deceptive and misleading and that it was no different than the 10,000 caves in Afghanistan that we have successfully bombed and “put out of the cave business”.
 
The CIA had already had detailed the locations of all the Target stores throughout the world, and most of them were easily identifiable in the major shopping malls up and down the East Coast. Bush never mentioned to Rumsfeld that he meant he wanted Targets in Iraq destroyed. As a matter of fact he specifically said that even if there were Targets Department Stores in Baghdad, that “Iron Hammer” needed to preemptively strike them, before they had a chance to strike back.
 
Rumsfeld said that casualties were light and that very few shoppers were killed or injured and that collateral damage was minimal. But he claimed that it sent a clear message to the terrorists in Iraq, that we were serious about stopping terrorism, and that we were prepared to destroy Target Department Stores here in the U.S. to send a message to Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein.
 
Apparently, only 200 people were actually killed. Most were believed to be supporters of the former Baathe Party or were shopping in the “bed and bath section” of Targets---it was not clear amidst all of the confusion.
 
Targets Department Store protested the attack saying that it was unwarranted and that the fact that its name is “Targets” does not mean that the CIA should have it on its list of strategic targeting options. Targets CEO reminded Bush that he had donated over $1 million to the Bush 2004 campaign war chest and that he did not intend for that gesture to mean that he had any intention of encouraging war with the US and Targets Department Store.
 
Bush, in a terse White House announcement said that we will find the terrorists wherever they are. He said over 60 countries were harboring terrorists, including the U.S., and that if we were harboring the terrorists, we would strike the harbors that are harboring them, and that therefore, New York harbor, or Newport News harbor, or Charleston, SC harbor, or Tampa, Florida harbor, would be included in the suspected hiding places of the terrorists. He said, “Any harbor that is a harbor and that may harbor terrorists will be subject to attack. And if Targets Department Stores does not change it name, the “Iron Hammer” policy of the U.S. will continue to seek out Targets.
 
Rumsfeld and Condolezza Rice claimed that caves, harbors and Targets throughout the world would be targeted because “caves are sneaky places”, “harbors are big and scary”, and “Targets Department stores are targets”.
 
Bush said that “if “Iron Hammer” doesn’t finish ‘em off we have the next phase that will be called “Rubber Mallet” that will smash all remaining, remaining remains of the remnants of the remaining terrorists.” When asked how long that may take by a CNN reporter, President Bush replied, “It might take forever” and “we are prepared to wait that long”. When asked how much money it will take, the President said, “It doesn’t matter, we will print whatever amount of money it takes.”
 
Bush said that there might be a brief “bombing pause” during the Christmas shopping season to allow Target customers to do their necessary shopping so as not to interfere with the “surge in the GDP and the booming economy” that has resulted from the $800 billion difference of going from Clintons $350 billion surplus to his (Bush’s) $450 billion deficit. Bush said that he was still working on the minus sign and the plus sign on his calculator to determine if a deficit was better than a surplus or visa versa. He said surpluses were bad for the economy because it meant that we had “too much of something” and that was bad.
 
Rather than reconstitute the draft, Bush said that all employees of Dunkin’ Donuts, Starbucks, and the lunch counters in Wal Mart would be called up to active duty. Everyone must serve he said, because we must get the terrorists. The only exemptions would be the individual employees of Wal Mart who are wheelchair bound who greet customers as they enter the store. He assured his audience that he has not forgot about “compassionate conservativism.
 
James Boyne
dboyne@aol.com
843-216-1811
 
James Boyne is a satirical, political freelance writer and has five other articles published on www.opednews.com. He has previously been a diehard, staunch, conservative Republican who has voted for Goldwater, Nixon, Ford, Reagan, Bush I and Bush II, and now has made a 180 degree turnabout and supports the candidacy of Congressman Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio), who appears to have the most integrity, honesty, common sense, straightforwardness, enthusiasm, optimism, and “fire in the belly” to be possibly the best President in recent memory. He is a progressive, populist, liberal, Democrat and is a man of principal, intelligence and experience. Mr. Kucinich comes from a humble background and clearly spells out his positions on issues on his web site www.kucinich.us so there is no question where he stands on issues. This article is copyright by James Boyne, originally published in OpEdNews.com  but permission is granted for reprint in print, email, blog, or web media if this entire credit paragraph is attached
previous articles by James Boyne
 
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