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When we walked into the Rose Garden together, surrounded by roses and gardens, for the first time I knew that my dream had come true. I would be working for what was the most powerful man in the world, the one who makes the decisions that could send America into years of peace and prosperity or decades of death and destruction. But enough about Dick Cheney. I’m kidding, of course. President Bush was my boss and the Commander-in-Chief. No lie. I mean, not about that. First let me say that there were great arguments between myself and my publisher over the title of the book. We had played with others. "I’m The Luckiest Guy In The World, Except Maybe For Dane Cook," and "I’m No Ari Fleischer. Really I’m Not. He Was The Guy Before Me," but my editor felt that the shorter the title, the more room they’d have for the "30% OFF" sticker at Costco’s and Sam’s Club, which to me seem like the same place. I mean all you have to do is look at their food court signs. But they swear their different companies. I don’t buy it. I always felt that just plain "Scott," with my picture on it would have been fine, but my editor said people might think I was just telling a story about Scott Glenn or that I was Scottish and that the extra "t" was a cover typo, which I’m told could be devastating to sales. I had a problem with just "What Happened." I felt it left too many possibilities. It could be read as a question as in "What (The Hell) Happened?" like I was overwhelmingly intimidated and confused by the entire experience. Kind of like "shock and awe," but without the Fox News graphics. Or it might be construed as a preface to a longer title, as in "What Happened...To Integrity." Thank God for the Writers Strike. No telling what that scallywag Jon Stewart would do with it. At least when Leno makes it funny you know he doesn’t hate the country. As White House Press Secretary, I spent nearly three years as a confidante to President George Walker Bush. Not close confidante where he would tell me his inner truths, but confidante in the way he would tell me a kind of truth that he wanted me to pass on to the American people. Like the "truthiness" Stephen Colbert, who spoke at the White House Press dinner, speaks of. By the way, President Bush thought Mr. Colbert’s speech was interesting and unique. See, that’s not exactly the inner-truth, which would be that he thought the speech "left a smell that a thousand matches couldn’t get rid of." But it was the seven fateful words President Bush said when he introduced me as his new Press Secretary that I’ll never forget. "I've known Scott for a long time." There was one problem. It was not true. He really only knew me for about three years before I got the promotion. He followed that with, "I look forward to working closely with him to make sure that the American people, and, of course, the press corps, gets the information that's needed to reflect the philosophy and the decision making of this administration. He'll be able to do the job like Ari (Fleischer, my predecessor) did." Being an avid Monty Python fan I knew the expression, "a wink is as good as a nod," it was at that moment I knew exactly what my job was to be. I also knew "Does she go? Nudge, Nudge," and "That parrot is dead," and in case the President chose to use them, we would be on the same page. There were trying times standing at that podium to be sure, but the most powerful leader in the world had called upon me to speak on his behalf and help restore credibility There was one problem. It was not true. It's really difficult to restore credibility when most of what I had to say had none.
www.greatfailure.com A talk show host, author, columnist,award-winning television writer and filmmaker, his inspiring book, "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" (Tallfellow Press) has been published internationally and has become required reading in the Wharton School of Business Masters Program. His "All The News That's Fit To Spoof " column appears every Sunday on the L.A. Daily News Oped Page. Steve has appeared all over national TV and radio with his unique brand of satirical punditry and social observations appearing in national periodicals from the Los Angeles Times and The New York Times, to his own weekly Internet column "The Lords Of Loud," at AlbionMonitor.net and The Huffington Post.
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