Are you out of work? Has your career gone down the drain? Have they closed your store and turned it into a soup kitchen? Do your best chances for a dignified retirement now rest with the Grim Reaper? Are you dreading the day when the markets get so low they have to quote the Dow Jones in mills? Were all your savings in Beanie Babies, Pet Rocks, Baseball Cards, General Motors stock or other worthless instruments? Do you worry that the garbage dumps will be so crowded with trash-pickers your children may not enjoy the standard of living you did?
What if I could show you how to avoid all that pain? Better yet, what if I could train you to profit from it? Would you be interested?
Well, look no further, because your future starts right here, right now. As soon as you enroll in The American Institute of Plug Pullers.
Plug pulling is a growth industry, and we're the cutting edge. Let me show you how to make Big Money in the flourishing Enterprise Undertaking Industry, today!
Much of the American economy is brain dead, no longer capable of breathing on its own. Citigroup, AIG, Macys, all the American car companies and the daily newspaper in your very own home town, all flat-lined! Our services have never been in more demand than they are right now!
When it's time to take a business or institution off life support, somebody has to pull the plug. That's our job, and it can be yours too! We've been training elite specialists in Termination, Plug Pulling and Business Burial for a generation. You too can be a part of that proud, prosperous tradition.
But don't take my word for it! Listen to what satisfied graduates of the American Institute of Plug Pullers have to say.
"I was laid off five times during the Internet bust and my kids were eating cardboard. Then I enrolled in the AIPP. I now have three homes stocked with mistresses and the cutest, chubbiest, illegitmates you ever saw! Thank you, American Institute!" Edgar E. Viserate, Plug Puller of Webvan, Pets.com, Netscape and Peapod.
"I just graduated from the Institute and found my first job right away! I had no hope for my future, now I have a heart full of dreams and a van full of plasmas!" Leslie O'Muerte, Associate Plug Puller on Circuit City case.
"A life of drink, dope and draft dodging seemed my sad fate. Then I saw the Institute's advertisement on the back cover of "Archie and Veronica." It changed my life. Since then I've pulled the plug on the Texas Rangers, the Republican Party and the American Dream, without touching a drop of demon rum!" George W. Bush, Nobel Laureate for Plug Pulling, 2008.
That is only a sample of our happy alumni, all doing well, all loving what they do. Are you willing to turn your life around? Do you dare to be great?
Not everyone will qualify, not everyone has the right stuff.. Here at the Institute we have a saying. "If you have lemons, make lemonade. If you have a heart of rock, make tombstones." Our program is not for everybody, but if that sounds like you....
What are you waiting for???? Don't leave your American Dream on life support! Call the American Institute of Plug Pullers and get started on that hot new career today!
Jackson D'Rippa, PPhd. President, The American Institute of Plug Pullers.
[An Equal Opportunity Educational Facility. Financial assistance available for veterans, minorities and the needy. Ask about our scholarships for the truly pitiless.]