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Last Gasp Press Con

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January 12, 2009

Gee Dub:  Thank you, thank you for coming.  I ‘preciate y’all coming out to this, my last press con.  You know, you’re gonna miss me when I go, like Bob Dylan says.  You won’t have me to misunderestimate anymore.  OK, let’s get this show on the road.  Any last requestions out there?

QUESTION:  Yes, Mr. Dub.  Are you motivated in part to make…make life a little bit easier for President-elect Obama?

Gee Dub:  Well, I wish him all the best, I really do.  I mean, it’s a tough job, as he’ll find out after lunch next Tuesday.  He hasn’t asked me to get those 350 large bills for the bailout yet, but hey!  I’ll do it if he asks politely.  I generally mean what I say.  Not all the time, but here and there.

QUESTION:  How would you define if, in fact, there is still an axis of evil? And what is the greatest and most urgent threat when it comes to security that Barack Obama has to deal with?

Gee Dub:  Well I know you guys don’t believe it, but there’s still an enemy out there that would like to inflict harm on America.  In fact, there’s a lot more now than when I took office.  Yessirree bob, we haven’t created that many jobs, but we sure as hell have created a whole lot more new terrorists in the last 8 years.

QUESTION: Do you think the Republican Party needs to be more inclusive?

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Gee Dub:  Well, we got us a litmus test, you know, and you don’t turn red (as in Red States), you can’t join.  Some folks say that Republicans don’t like immigrants.  Now, that may be fair or unfair.  But that makes some folks think, “Well, if they don’t like furriners, they probably don’t like me too.”  And they might be right. The Republican party’s not for everyone.  And it’s a pretty exclusive country club, I agree.  But that’s what makes it so special.  If you let ever’body in, well, then there goes the neighbourhood.

QUESTION:  In the past, you’ve said that history will judge that you did the right thing, whether it was about Iraq, Katrina, or steroids.  But a lot of people, including some of the right-wing nutjob neocon wackos in the loony bin of your own party, believe that you have really stolen our wealth, taken away our civil liberties, destroyed our reputation abroad, given America a bad name, and generally fucked up this country beyond recognition. Do you have any last words of contrition or apology for the American people?

(Long pregnant pause)

Gee Dub:  Well, gosh, you know, hard things don’t happen overnight, Jake.  Not unless you take Levitra and wash it down with a Cialis chaser.  You know what they say:  Rome wasn’t destroyed in a day.  And we’re not done with Iraq yet, either.  We figure the best way to take down this government, you know, to fix the evil problem that is government, was to saddle it with a huge massive debt, unlike any the world has ever seen before.  And I think we’ve done a pretty good job in that department.  Your great-grandchildren are gonna be paying this baby off, and the only thing left to do, as Grover Norquist said, is to drown the baby in the bathtub.  You know, cut back on excessive government spending, like welfare and social security and roads and bridges and national parks and in-fra-struc-ture, where most of your hard-earned tax dollars go.  That was our goal.  Now I know we haven’t cut back as much as I would like, but you can bet that the incoming fiscally responsible Democrats are gonna trim it back for us.  I trust them to do the right thing.  Didn’t leave ‘em much choice.

I inherited a recession, you know, from Mr. Woke-up-with-Wood back there.  He only created some 21-million jobs over 8 years, but folks don’t remember that.  Anyway, I inherited that recession and I think it’s only fair that I pass a really big one to the next generation.

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As for Iraq, well, we got those permanent bases over there.  They’re not going away anytime soon, trust me.  And you’ll be thanking me when your gas tank runs dry a few years down the road.  You just wait and see!  OK, you over there, fallin’ asleep.

QUESTION: What do you say to those critics who just really hate you?

Gee Dub:  Everyone’s a critic.  Most are not hostile or angry.  Most folks are civil, except for that shoe guy.  Now there’s a piece of work, huh?  What the heck?  Good thing I learned how to dodge back during the Vietnam war.  But everyone’s a critic.  Like you take that “Gran Torino.”  Now there’s a movie.  Heh heh.  Good ol’ Clint Eastwood, he always comes through, don’t he?  “Get off mah lawn!” Oh yeah, that’s whut I’m talkin’.  Didn’t understand what all the fuss was over “The Wrestler” though.  I mean, I like rasslin’, but that damn thing just didn’t go nowhere.  No story line whatsomever, just a bunch of random scenes in the life of a loser.  But that Marisa Tomei!  Now there’s a pair of Golden Globes if I ever saw one on a pole dancer, and I have, if you know whut I mean, and I think you do.

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Eric Malone has been writing about politics with a sardonic sense of humor through more than one apocalyptic Administration. He is a subversive dedicated to revolution through thoughtful laughter.

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