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Life Arts

A Colonoscopy at Every Airport?

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View Ratings | Rate It Headlined to H4 12/30/09

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The Underpants Bomber may very well have opened up a whole new chapter in airport security. For example, how long will it be before rectums become the hiding places of choice? What do we do to detect this? The conglomeration of odors may very well either confuse or repel the sniff dogs. In fact, the sniff dogs may lie down and play dead. The security personnel will be required to wear gas masks. They may also call in sick for work more often than usual.

Should such a heinous act occur, expect to see a urologist at every airport security check. Before you slip back into you shoes, put your car keys back in your pocket and clasp your watch on, you will hear the cold snap of a rubber glove and smell the sweet odor of lubricant jelly. If you are a man, this will be a wonderful opportunity to actually see your prostate on a video screen.

If you're a woman, the gynecological exam won't be much fun either.

From there, it's a short trip to the colon. Colons are long and there is ample space for hiding a myriad of nasty objects. Actually, there's enough room to conceal an entire set of flatware, with room left over for a small vase. Odors may also confuse or repel the sniff dogs. Laxatives take too long to work. You can't keep people in line forever, waiting for someone with chronic constipation to move along. So expect to see a gastroenterologist, a hose and a video screen at the end (no pun intended) of your security check.

Yes, it will be a pain in the ass. For everyone involved.

And just to be absolutely sure, why not just do a whole body check at every airport? MRIs, CAT Scans, Barium enemas, the whole nine yards?

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But there's a silver lining - this could be a first step towards real healthcare reform. After all, Homeland Security will be picking up the tab.

Joe Lieberman might even vote for it.

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John Blumenthal has been a professional comedy writer for 25 years. A former associate editor and columnist at Playboy Magazine (following a short stint at Esquire), he's written 8 books and 2 produced movies. His films include "Short Time," (major (more...)

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I can assure you that when your scenario comes to ... by wagelaborer on Wednesday, Dec 30, 2009 at 12:19:16 PM
Brilliant!!... by Debbie Scally on Sunday, Jan 3, 2010 at 12:16:20 PM