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Life Arts

A Colonoscopy at Every Airport?

By       Message John Blumenthal       (Page 1 of 4 pages)     Permalink

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opednews.com Headlined to H4 12/30/09

Author 42212
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The Underpants Bomber may very well have opened up a whole new chapter in airport security. For example, how long will it be before rectums become the hiding places of choice? What do we do to detect this? The conglomeration of odors may very well either confuse or repel the sniff dogs. In fact, the sniff dogs may lie down and play dead. The security personnel will be required to wear gas masks. They may also call in sick for work more often than usual.

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Should such a heinous act occur, expect to see a urologist at every airport security check. Before you slip back into you shoes, put your car keys back in your pocket and clasp your watch on, you will hear the cold snap of a rubber glove and smell the sweet odor of lubricant jelly. If you are a man, this will be a wonderful opportunity to actually see your prostate on a video screen.

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If you're a woman, the gynecological exam won't be much fun either.

From there, it's a short trip to the colon. Colons are long and there is ample space for hiding a myriad of nasty objects. Actually, there's enough room to conceal an entire set of flatware, with room left over for a small vase. Odors may also confuse or repel the sniff dogs. Laxatives take too long to work. You can't keep people in line forever, waiting for someone with chronic constipation to move along. So expect to see a gastroenterologist, a hose and a video screen at the end (no pun intended) of your security check.

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John Blumenthal has been a professional comedy writer for 25 years. A former associate editor and columnist at Playboy Magazine (following a short stint at Esquire), he's written 8 books and 2 produced movies. His films include "Short Time," (major (more...)

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