Last night was exquisite. Passion unbridled, running raw, fighting to be on top. Fingernails digging in, love slaps stinging skin sanguine. Total gratification, again and again, with every sharp thrust penetrating deeper, with ever movement and counter movement, ever groan and exclamation, waves of satisfaction shook me to the core of my very soul. Oh, dear diary, how sweet it was last night watching Republicans f**k each other over who is more holier-than-thou during the so called presidential debate.
What an orgy of hypocrisy it was watching Republicans kick each others' asses to see who could kiss ass to win conservative votes to kick Hillary's ass. Kick and kiss ass are the main political strategies these days. All in the name of Jesus, America and traditional Christian values, don't you forget.
My, how the conservatives have taken to Social Darwinism, or the notion of the survival of the strongest. Then again, they always have. That's why there have been kings and queens and emperors enough to rule the world ten million times over. Whether the excuse is pseudo-religion or pseudo-science, those who would stand lord over others will use any means necessary to fulfill my will.
What is my will? Get all I can. Nobody is going to look after old number 1. Ask not what you can do to help but ask how can you help yourself. Extol yourself because nobody else is going to sing your praises if you're not willing to do it yourself.
Hot damn, didn't the Republican candidates do a bang up job of doing my will last night? Truly, there is nothing more devilishly satisfying than hearing candidates of God's Own Party extol themselves on who is the number one follower of the One who admonished not to extol yourself for you will be humbled.
Howl on, wolves, howl on. Forget the elephant. Adopt the wolf draped in a bloody sheepskin. Just say that it's a sissy liberal pacifist's hide. Nobody will know the difference. If they do, just say that they are being judgmental and intolerant. That should be enough to bring on a crippling case of liberal guilt.
Seriously, I am going to send a memo to my boys, telling them just how pleased I am with their performance last night. Screw all this crap about uniting Americans. Neither Osama nor I want united Americans. Divide, fractionalize and demonize. How else can there be war? And without war, how can I sustain my economic growth?
So, hell yea, if anybody asks, my boys last night were upholding traditional conservative values. Listen to Clem Whitaker and Leone Baxter, head of the first Republican political-campaign public-relations firm, who helped defeat Upton Sinclair back in the 1930's:
"The average American doesn't want to be educated, he doesn't want to improve his mind, he doesn't even want to work consciously at being a good citizen. But every American likes to be entertained. He likes the movies, he likes mysteries; he likes fireworks and parades. So, if you can't put on a fight, put on a show."
Better yet, as my crusty crew knew last night, put on a fighting show. And of all the shows that I have produced over the years, I do so love having made a mockery of Jesus by starting so many fights and wars in His name. For championing my tradition values of hypocrisy and greed, I do salute you, Republican presidential candidates.
Your biggest fan,
Lucifer Beelzebub "Bubba" Mephistopheles de Mammon
P. S. - Ron Paul, you're not included. Get with the program. The Republican party you thought existed is long ago dead. Shape up. Get nasty, mean and greedy or otherwise you are on your own.