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The Devil's Diary: Memo to O'Reilly re: "Fighting Fair"

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Message Richard Mathis
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To: Bill O'Reilly,
From: Lucifer B. Mephistopheles de Mammon
re: job performance

Dear Billzebub:

You make me so proud. Let me say that I am truly your number one fan. You're the mortal, Bill. The one I go to in a pinch. I wouldn't be where I am without your outstanding performance. Quite literally, keep raising hell. Before long, you will be a full-fledged demon worthy of your own infernal circle.

That's why I need your help once again. Listen to this crap that liberals are trying to teach school kids. This sissy pacifist nonsense comes from the Peace Foundation and is called rules for fighting fair:

1. We find out the problem.
2. We attack the problem, not the person.
3. We listen to each other.
4. We care about each other's feelings.
5. We are responsible for what we say and do.

Then they list as fouls: hitting, name calling, put downs, threats, bossing, teasing, blaming, making excuses, not listening and getting even. Hell forbid children ever been brainwashed with such wanton liberalism and slobbering tolerance. Where would America be without bullying, abusing and fighting? Guns and a God wanting us to use them on the godless are what made and makes America great.

Billzebub, I know I can count on you to provide real guidance to kindergartners about how to fight to win, no matter what the cost. It's fine to fight dirty so long as you win. Forget finding out the problem. We know what the problem is. The problem is liberals. Everything that goes wrong is because of gremlins mutated into liberals.

That's why when you attack liberals you are attacking the problem. Forget this progressive pluralistic propaganda about there being more than one way to look at any given problem. Forget listening to others' feelings or perspectives. Trash them as rudely and violently as possible. Courtesy and civility don't get us what we want like higher rating and more bucks from commercials. The only way is our way and anybody that says differently is a traitor and coward, hey Bill?

That's why I have to commend your performance for calling former Chicago Tribune public editor Don Wycliff a coward after he declined to debate you on the Factor. How dare he criticize you having said that you would rule Iraq like Saddam Hussein! Good for you, Bill, in stirring up the brew by saying that ACLU, the BBC, and Air America Radio "are helping the terrorists." Turn up the hate. How right you were to say that the Bush junta should start "challenging those who are helping the enemy" like liberals and the media. That's my boy. Fundamentalist fervor fans the flames of hell and hell is starting to break out all over. Yea, Bill, W. needs to rule America like Saddam ruled Iraq. That will get those liberals and truth-tellers under control.

Meanwhile, Bill, keep it up. Keep on attacking those who you think are weak and sidestep those who could give you a fight. Call Wycliff a coward and ignore Media Matters' call for a fair debate to answer the vile names and charges you leveled against them. Let me tell you, my dear devotee, hypocrisy is one of your finest features.

Your straight face is also a blessing. I crack up every time you totally trash true American and Christian values in the name of patriotism and God. And you can do it with such a straight face as if you actually believe it! What a performance, I tell you. Without doubt, you are one of my top salesmen and I look forward to personally see you get your just rewards upon your return to company headquarters.

Yours insincerely,

Lucifer B. Mephistopheles de Mammon

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B. 1952, GA, USA. D. To Be Determined. Beloved husband, father, grandfather, lover, confidant and friend of many from bikers to Zen masters; American writer and speaker, known for his criticism of Mammon's unholy trinity of big business, big (more...)
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