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Holiness 101: A Primer for Ann Coulter

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"We don't really know her." She is Ann Coulter. So said the Media Director for New York City's Redeemer Presbyterian Church, an evangelical congregation. Indeed, the media director, Cregan Cooke, told Max Blumenthal of Raw Story that it could not be confirmed that Coulter had ever attended services at the church where she has claimed not only to attend but to which Time Magazine claimed that "she brings a lot of people-- Cregan said that the only thing he had "heard is hearsay that she is an attender. " He added that "People from Robin Williams to Diane Sawyer have claimed to attend services here but don't actually know if they have. And I don't know anybody that would have seen Ann Coulter."

Since Ann Coulter is claiming to be a champion of conservative Christian values, and apparently is unable to attend services, I thought a basic primer on holiness might be helpful as sister Ann is wanting to be an evangelical.

First thing sister Ann is going to need to do is humble herself before the Lord and confess her sins and wickedness. For starters she might want to explain to the congregation what she meant when she said on Rivera Live in 2000 that "Let's say I go out every night, I meet a guy and have sex with him. Good for me. I'm not married."

Goodness gracious, great balls of blazing lust, sister Ann, you need to be repenting of that promiscuous attitude. Somebody might call you the worse name possible: liberal. And before you go walking into an old-fashioned holiness church, you need to wipe that Jezebel war paint off your jowls. You better quit batting those eyes and put that cut hair up in a bun under cover where it belongs least you are seen as a shameful temptress like that damned Eve.

Wearing black is right proper, sister Ann, but your dress needs to cover you from your flat black shoes to your buttoned up collar and long sleeves. Forget shaving those legs because nobody is ever going to see them anymore. As many times as you have been known by man, you will be really fortunate for any right proper holiness brother ever to take you as a wife. You couldn't wear white anyway. Black would definitely fit.

Black is good because you need to be in mourning for your wicked nature, sister Ann. A woman's place is to be quiet and to be seen only when her husband wants to see her. Moreover, a good Christian is to do like Saint Paul said and accept whatever government in power as representing God's will. Sister Ann, good Christian women, don't speak up, not even in church, but let their men folk do the talking.

But that shouldn't be any problem for you, sister Ann. You say that women shouldn't have the right to vote and that it would be better if all laws were repealed all the way back to the emancipation proclamation. Well, sister Ann, I wish that I had a time machine to send you back to the good old days. Maybe then you would see that when compared to the conservative values of the good old days that you are one indulgent, whinny, spoilt-ass brat too stupid not to bite the liberal hand that feeds you freedom of speech for you to tease suckers out of their money. Honey, if it weren't for liberals, you'd be one skinny, pregnant, barefoot broad having to hustle some other way to make a quick buck.

Even so, sister Ann, I'd love for you to be able to time travel back to the good old days. Just one warning: whatever you do, don't set the date for 1692 and the destination of Salem as both your return flight and ticket are most likely to be permanently cancelled.

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B. 1952, GA, USA. D. To Be Determined. Beloved husband, father, grandfather, lover, confidant and friend of many from bikers to Zen masters; American writer and speaker, known for his criticism of Mammon's unholy trinity of big business, big (more...)
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