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Osama wants your mortgage

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George W. Bush has pulled no punches in describing how he feels about his enemies. "Our war against terror is a war against individuals whose hearts are full of hate," he says, brimming with sincerity. Why are those hearts full of hate, you ask? As always, Dubya's got the answers: "People say, well, why-and I know a lot of kids are probably asking, well, why America? And you've just got to understand that the enemy hates us because of what we love."

So, we wonder, what do "we" love that "they" love to hate? Bush is again happy to clarify: "They hate us because we love the idea that people can worship an Almighty God any way he or she sees fit. They hate us because we love political discourse and a free society. They hate us because of our free press. They hate everything about us, because of our freedom ... They don't like the thought of Christian, Jew and Muslim living side by side in peace ... The more we value the ability to worship God the way we see fit, the more they hate us. The more we honor church and synagogue and mosque, the more they hate us. The more we speak our mind freely, the more they hate us."

The hate that fills their hearts, explains Bush, can manifest itself in many ways-not all of them obvious. "Let me tell you something else about the enemy," the commander-in-chief warns. "They're resourceful, they're slippery, they're the ones who hide in caves."

However, there is one small problem with the whole they-hate-us-because-we-love-freedom line of thinking. None other than Osama bin Laden himself has declared: "If Bush says we hate freedom, let him tell us why we didn't attack Sweden, for example." (Public Enemy #1 has an ironic sense of humor. Who knew?)

In light of this paradox, I took it upon myself to investigate and I came up with something interesting Dubya said way back in 2002: "Let me first talk about how to make sure America is secure from a group of killers, people who hate -- you know what they hate? They hate the idea that somebody can go buy a home."

There's an inherent logic at play here. Bush tells us that the same folks "who hide in caves" also "hate the idea that somebody can go buy a home" here in the land of the free. Hey, if you lived in Cave #12 on the northeast corner of Bora Bora Street, you might also be a little envious when your average infidel plops down 10% to become the alleged owner of a pre-fab in Levittown. Toss in a two-car garage and good schools and it's practically an engraved invitation for jihad.

While this is all starting to make sense, it does provoke further questions. What about condos? Where does al-Qaeda stand on co-ops? Would Bin Laden prefer a fixed rate or a balloon mortgage? Should we expect tighter security around the next open house we attend or maybe metal detectors at the local real estate broker's office?

But, let's face it, this is no time for questions. If George W. Bush says, "They hate the idea that somebody can go buy a home," there's only one thing every red-blooded god-fearing Murrican must do: Get up to your ears in debt and get yourself the biggest house you can find. Remember, if you don't buy a home...the terrorists win.

(This message brought to you by the National Association of Home Builders)

Mickey Z. is the author of several books, most recently "50 American Revolutions You're Not Supposed to Know" (Disinformation Books). He can be found on the Web at
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