By Terry HughesOPERATION IRANIC ATTACK
President Bush ordered a nuclear air attack against Iranian laboratories producing Weapons of Mass Destruction, the White House announced today. Refusing to release details of the attack, dubbed Operation Iranic, the Bush Administration said only that cruise missiles were launched from a U.S. Naval fleet sailing “somewhere in the Arabian Sea.”
A brief statement by President Bush accompanied the announcement. “Due to the murderous actions of the evil Islamic Fascists controlling Iran, we call upon the people of Iran to protect themselves by revolting against their theocratic rulers. With our missiles in one hand, our other hand offers Jeffersonian democracy, freedom and the Christian faith.
Operation Iranic Freedom will go down in History as the catalyst bringing peace to the Middle East, Israel, and the world. Now that the Revolutionary Guard has been destroyed, we expect all violence in Iraq to immediately cease. Our mission is truly accomplished”
Reaction on cable news was immediate. Sean Hannity pinned a second American flag on his lapel, and, standing before the American flag, said, “This president made a bold and decisive strike against our evil enemies, Mr. President, we salute you.”
Chris Matthews on Hardball speculated that “Who knows if this air strike was a wise or unwise move? Only time will tell, after the radiation settles.”
Lou Dobbs predicted that the attack will create untold numbers of refugees clamoring to cross our borders for jobs in the military-industrial industry. “Instead of nuking Tehran, perhaps we would be better off building a wall around New Jersey,” he commented.
Al Jazeera could not respond, because apparently, they were also targeted.
Rumors on the Internet reveal a near mutiny occurred on the American Fleet, with many junior officers refusing to launch a pre-emptive nuclear strike without authorization from Congress, which is still on vacation. E-mails from the crews tell of brigs brimming with ensigns and lieutenant junior grades. This cannot be confirmed.
The Arab “street” erupted with violent protests, burning American flags across the region. In Cairo, the American embassy was looted and set afire, as were embassies Jordan and Yemen. Riots broke out in London and Paris, with protestors overturning hundreds of vehicles, torching them with Molotov cocktails. In Pakistan, President Musharraf was assassinated, and the army took control of the government.
Several Arab governments severed relations with the United States, and many heads of state around the world urged Congress to begin immediate impeachment proceedings against President Bush, Vice President Dick Cheney and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.
President Bush refused further comment while bicycling while vacationing on his ranch in Crawford, Texas. A gaggle of reporters shouted questions to him about Operation Iranic Attack, but the President’s only reply was if the reporters thought it was hot here on the ranch, “It’s a lot hotter in Tehran right now.” With a smirk, the president rolled into the dry and dusty brush, disappearing from view.