Washington, DC -- "Mitt Romney suspends campaign," CNN announces. "This is horrible," I scream, "America is now doomed!" I scoop up my car keys, hustle down the hotel hallway to the parking lot, and roar off. Mitt's "suspending campaign" speech will soon be delivered on the other side of town. With God and country and desperation on my side, I just might make it in time.
Although often referred to as a liberal, sometimes a progressive, occasionally a radical leftist, occasionally a dirty filthy communist Jewish pig, I'm devastated that Conservative Mitt is dropping out of the presidential race. I park the car and run into the conference hall just as my man Mitt is struting across the stage to the podium.
He still has his old confident stride, not exactly graceful, but who cares when you're stinking rich. Dressed sharply conservative, dark blue suit and light blue tie with new white shirt, and hair combed perfectly. John Edwards has nothing over Mitt Romney in the hair department. Serious looking, he smiles with conservative compassion as the audience goes applause bananas.
As a journalist on the campaign trail I saw Romney more than a dozen times at different rallies and other events. Only two days ago in California we talked, well almost talked. As I look at him on the stage, it is clear that the stress of being a quitter has not affected his looks. Of course corporate types always look the same, short of a nuke hitting their bank.
"More than four million people have given me their vote" Mitt booms. (A CNN commentator will comment after the speech that Romney seemed to have finally found his voice, when quitting.) "Eleven states have given me their nod."
That is true, something you can not often say when Romney speaks.
"Thank you for standing up to conservative principles," he courageously bellows to the conservative audience. "Conservative principles are needed more today than ever!"
A few jobs for working people are needed too. But these are small issues, the big picture is what big people deal with.
Last month in ice-covered Iowa, as I flew through the air enough times to qualify for a pilot's license, Romney was the staunch social conservative candidate. Then in the snow blizzards of New Hampshire he was the solid moderate conservative candidate. Then in Michigan he was the experienced businessman conservative candidate. Then in the warm sun of South Carolina he was the hawkish national security conservative candidate. Then on Super Tuesday he was the conservative candidate with the severely bruised butt.
When it came to the big enchilada of the primary season, when nearly half of all presidential delegates were chosen, my man Mitt pulled off a stunning upset. Not a single pundit predicted he would get so smeared.
Mitt is now into his standard stump speech, which I have heard more times than the National Anthem. Hey, I can finish half of his sentences. That's much more than I can say for the National Anthem. He begins with sappy digs at liberals for not grasping the superiority of his steadfast conservative principles and policies. There are his insights that religion beats porn and self-reliance is better than government dependency, but less taxes is better than everything. Government pork is bad, but the real problem is government entitlement programs. Actually, the real problem is we have a government, but that would be going a little too far. Europe is facing a disaster because of its plunging morality and Asia is threatening America because we have not exterminated all our liberals. We are at war with the radical Islamists -- is that woman actually weeping? I thought I was the only one weeping.
Yes, I have a love-hate relationship with Mitt Romney. Every liberal that supports the man does.
"I disagree on many issues with Senator McCain, but I agree with him on doing whatever it takes to be successful in Iraq. And eliminate Osama bin Laden!"
There were heavy boos after "McCain," then ravenous applause after "bin Laden." Something seems off kilt there. But I don't have time to figure this out.
"Because I love America, I have to stand aside."
Can love be a reason to desert your baby when she is stuck in a nasty political minefield? The candidate stronger than steel on the social issues, the candidate standing smack on the spine of moderation, the candidate most qualified to fix George Bush's torpedoing of what was once a functioning economy, the candidate pumped to nuke every filthy enemy on the face of our warming planet, what could this candidate snatch as a sneaky cover to fink out of the presidential race? Simple! Mitt Romney is a loyal American that loves America and this is wartime.