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BREAKING: McCain Resigns From His Campaign (Satire)

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Believing that he has become too much of a drag on his campaign, John McCain, the presumptive Republican presidential candidate, and one of the key components of his campaign and id, has stepped down, the latest casualty of a presidential campaign eager to cauterize damage caused by its ties to lobbyists, age and President Bush.

McCain, who has appeared in most of his commercials and fundraisers, is the highest profile departure from McCain's inner circle since a summer 2007 shake-up cost McCain his campaign manager and chief strategist.

"My support for President Bush’s comparison of Senator Obama to Adolf Hitler, because Barack was willing to speak to Iran’s leaders, was the last straw," said McCain. "Especially when I had already suggested that it was a good idea."

"It not only showed his attachment to the President’s policies and indiscreet rhetoric," said McCain spokesman, Tucker Bounds, "but it also underscored his short term memory issues and his desire to keep defense contractors and lobbyists on the public dole."

Campaign officials have yet to name a replacement, but the betting money is on McCain confidante and wife, Cindy McCain. "She’s younger and already has enough money," said Bounds. "And having the same last name saves a helluva lot of stationery and campaign poster reprinting."

In a White House press release, President Bush said he was "sad about McCain’s decision" and "would give up something to be in solidarity with the grief McCain’s mother must feel."

UPDATE: President To Sacrifice Eating Chinese Food To Be In Solidarity With Quake Victims

China will spend three days marking the moment when tens of thousands died in a devastating earthquake, while hope of finding more trapped survivors dwindled Sunday and preventing hunger and disease became more pressing.

In a magnanimous gesture, President Bush announced on Air Force One returning from his Middle East trip, that he would honor the memories of those lost by not eating Chinese food. 

"Eating egg foo yung or fried won tons during the three day mourning period for the over 50,000 fatalities suffered in the 7.6 shaker, would send the wrong message," said the obviously touched, misty-eyed Commander in Chief.

Spokesperson Dana Perino said that those who believe the president doesn't understand the dissimilarity between the extent of the China tragedy and his food exclusion, "just don't appreciate the President's fondness for MSG."

Asked about what actions he might take to commiserate with devastation and hundred thousand lives lost due to the Myanmar cyclone, Perino said that the President is, "deeply saddened by those events, and as soon as he finds out what food they eat, he will stop eating it."

Award-winning TV writer, Steve Young, is author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" (

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