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Alright, boys and girls. Ready for real fun? Then it's time for America's favorite cable diversion: "Uncle Bill's Everyone Knows It," the exciting news-like game that's sweeping the over-60-demo nation.
More than a game, "Everyone Knows It" is super-educational and can teach you and your grandkids how win every argument, er, um, debate.The best part? It's easy. No studying. No research. Really no sense at all.
Here's how you play...
When you have only cherry-picked facts to build your ostentatious manifesto, make your claim, then close by saying "Everyone Knows It."
That's all there is to it.
Really, how can anyone question your point. Number one, if everyone knows it, then that would include even your opponent. If they did question it, they'd be lying. Wow. That's incredible. Tell me more.
Look how easy it is.
"The New York Times wants the Democrats to win. Everyone knows it."
"NBC wants Democrats to win. Everyone Knows It."
"George Soros and Moveon.org are Nazis. Everyone knows it."
"Al Franken beat the pants off of me in court. Everyone knows it."
Okay, the last one was a trick "Everyone Knows It." Franken did end up the big winner in that one, but Uncle Bill never actually said he did. That's one of the important facets in playing "Everyone Knows It." You have to listen very closely. If you don't, Uncle Bill will say that he never said it and that you're just a far-left loon, which everyone knows. Doesn't matter if he said something that meant the same thing, if you don't get the exact quote, you lose. Sometimes when you get his words verbatim he'll still say you didn't. Ask Mediamatters.org. It's one of the many FUN reasons that makes "Everyone Knows It" so darn challenging. Even when you're right, you could still be wrong.
I know a lot of people will say that "Everyone Know's It" is just what little kids say when they want to put someone down. Like, "you're a stupid, and everyone knows it." Well, some of the most simplistic, childish ideas make great products. For instance, the Hula-Hoop. Just think of Uncle Bill's debating technique like you think of the Hula Hoop: Circular arguments with a huge hole right through the middle of itl.
Too nervous to try "Everyone Knows It" on your own? You can still play.
Get your friends together to listen to Uncle Bill's radio show or watch his TV "Factor." Then count how many times a day he says "Everyone Knows It." The one who comes up with the most "Everyone Knows Its" wins. Want to make it more fun? At the beginning of each show, each of you can predict how many times Uncle Bill will say EKI" that day. It's more fun than an NCAA Tournament Pool. In "Everyone Knows It," Weber State never loses.
Look for more Uncle Bill counting games coming to a TV and radio near
"In My Book, Culture Wars..." - See how many different ways Uncle Bill can back into plugging his book, no matter the issue.
"I'm An Independent" - The game where what you say is more important than how you act.
"The Far Right Does The Same Thing" - Want to bash the left but you feel that it would make you seem biased? Here's your opportunity to slam the left 24/7 just by prefacing every argument with "The Far Right Does The
"The ACLU Is The Most Dangerous Organization In The World Today." - Don't want to talk about the thousands of things that the ACLU does that actually benefit the right or supports the Constitution. This is your game.
"(Someone Uncle Bill Doesn't Agree With) Is A Communist." - For the most part they all are, but now you can say it and not have to worry about being compared to
"And They Say There's No War Against Christmas" - Think cherry-picking is boring. Then you've never played "And They Say There's No War Against Christmas."
"If I Were President, Principal Or That Raped Kid, I Would Have (Fill In A Really, Really Macho Thing) - Here's your chance to be the meanest mother on the block. No matter how someone else handles a situation, you put yourself in their shoes and show just how much more courageous you would have handled the same situation.
"No One I Know Cares About It" - The game that lets you ignore an important story because it doesn't support your position
"Rosie Said What?." - Tired of Hollywood people who saying stuff, well here's your chance to list all the A-list Harry Belafontes or Joy Behars or other significant politicos who are influencing the vote away from you.
"You Don't Know What You're Talking About" - Having trouble dealing with someone else's credible disagreement? This is the game that wins for you every time. Comes with your own phone to hang up and mike level to turn
Uncle Bill's "Everyone Knows It," brought to you by Steve Young, who Bill said is "a crazy guy. Everyone knows it."
Steve Young is the author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" (www.greatfailure.com) and his column appears in the LA Daily News Sunday Opinion page...to the left of O'Reilly's...really. His next book, "The Power of Satire...The Secret Weapon That Can Win The 2008 Election For The Candidate Who Is
Less Of A Joke Than The Other," threatens to be finished any day.