To: Neal Boortz
From: Lucifer B. Mephistopheles de Mammon
Re: Meritorious Meretriciousness
My Squealing Neal:
How brazenly bodacious you blast, Boortz, in blasphemously bemocking Christian values while pretentiously peddling Mammonism. You make no secret of whom you serve, God or Mammon. Greed is good. I couldn't agree more with you preaching that "Greed: A word commonly used by liberals, low achievers, anti-capitalists and society's losers to denigrate, shame and discredit those who have acquired superior job skills and decision-making capabilities . . ."
Add to that list of losers, traditional Christians. For starters, look at that bleeding-heart sap, Jesus. I offered him fame and fortune. He could have lived the good life as a big bon vivant, making a killing off charging for healing. Look at where he got by doing good for the poor. Read the Bible and you see that he barely even got the occasional thank you from healed cripples and lepers. What a clueless loser he was, Neal. The entrepreneurial Jesus could have made a fortune just in turning water to wine or multiplying fishes and loaves. Then there's all that money he could have harvested from the endless series of self-help seminars and books. Don't forget what a capitalist Jesus could have charged for eternal life and a piece of prime real estate in that big gated community in the sky.
Scream your rage, Neal. Let it blow. Don't hold it in. You're entitled. You are superior. You are worth more and have the right to dominion. You are Mighty Whitey, the Mouth of the South and the Rude Awakening of the Truth. Enough already, I say, of all this mushy, sissy stuff. Make it clear that "Wallow too much in sensitivity and you can't deal with life, or the truth."
It's a dog eat dog world as I always said, starting with Cain. And now, my faithful servant, Neal Boortz, I award you my Distinguished Service Award, a tradition dating back to Cain. Hell no, we're not our brothers' keepers. If there's a buck to be made, screw my brother. Forget Jesus saying to do unto the least of them. In the real world the motto is to do the least unto them while making the most off them as fiendishly possible. After all, "Poverty is a choice. It's a behavioral disorder. Poverty, my friends, is a mental disease." Forget the New Testament saying: "Has not God chosen the poor . . . to be heirs of the kingdom that he has promised to those who love him?"
Not that any poor people should be on welfare, mind you. I'll never forget when you recommended that one of Katrina's victims consider peddling her wares on the street "If that's the only way she can take care of herself" as "it sure beats the hell out of sucking off the taxpayers." Don't be concerned, Neal, about when Jesus talked about feeding the hungry, clothing the naked or sheltering the homeless. Upon meeting Him, just tell Jesus that when one of the least - His very own - needed help, that you, Neal Boortz, advised her to turn tricks on the streets of a strange city. Don't worry. You won't have to listen to that bleeding-heart Jesus for long.
Then you and I can endlessly opine about the eternal Truth of the Rude Awakening of how right you are in saying that you are the Mouth of the really deep South.
Feverishly awaiting your carpetbagging arrival,
Lucifer B. Mephistopheles de Mammon
Tags: Neal Boortz, Jesus, greed, Christianity, Christian values, Mammon