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Neal Boortz wins Mammon's Distinguished Service Award

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Richard Mathis
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To: Neal Boortz
From: Lucifer B. Mephistopheles de Mammon
Re: Meritorious Meretriciousness

My Squealing Neal:

How brazenly bodacious you blast, Boortz, in blasphemously bemocking Christian values while pretentiously peddling Mammonism. You make no secret of whom you serve, God or Mammon. Greed is good. I couldn't agree more with you preaching that "Greed: A word commonly used by liberals, low achievers, anti-capitalists and society's losers to denigrate, shame and discredit those who have acquired superior job skills and decision-making capabilities . . ."

Add to that list of losers, traditional Christians. For starters, look at that bleeding-heart sap, Jesus. I offered him fame and fortune. He could have lived the good life as a big bon vivant, making a killing off charging for healing. Look at where he got by doing good for the poor. Read the Bible and you see that he barely even got the occasional thank you from healed cripples and lepers. What a clueless loser he was, Neal. The entrepreneurial Jesus could have made a fortune just in turning water to wine or multiplying fishes and loaves. Then there's all that money he could have harvested from the endless series of self-help seminars and books. Don't forget what a capitalist Jesus could have charged for eternal life and a piece of prime real estate in that big gated community in the sky.

But, no, Jesus had to be what you, Neal, like to call a "sympathy pimp." I mean, just how much more flippy-hippy can it get than hearing that long-haired, sandal-wearing anticapitalist liberal say that "The value of a man's life consists of more than his material possessions." That's complete bullshit, hey, Boortz. Only some utopian discontent who didn't hold down a job and wandered around like a hobo could have said that material possessions don't determine a man's worth. As the Devil I am so proud of you being bold enough to have openly and proudly countered Jesus' baseless assertion by proclaiming: "how worthless is an adult that can't earn more than the minimum wage?" Yes, Neal, with zeal you expressed my feelings when you said: "If you are a grown adult in this country who is not suffering from some hideous physical or mental disability, and you are trying to raise children on the minimum wage, then you are a 100 percent pure unadulterated loser. And I am so sick and damned tired of all those left-wing bed wetters and sympathy pimps out there -- passing -- just moaning over these people who have squandered their American birthright by becoming just the dregs of socie[ty]-- and then -- I'm just so sick of it I could scream."

Scream your rage, Neal. Let it blow. Don't hold it in. You're entitled. You are superior. You are worth more and have the right to dominion. You are Mighty Whitey, the Mouth of the South and the Rude Awakening of the Truth. Enough already, I say, of all this mushy, sissy stuff. Make it clear that "Wallow too much in sensitivity and you can't deal with life, or the truth."

It's a dog eat dog world as I always said, starting with Cain. And now, my faithful servant, Neal Boortz, I award you my Distinguished Service Award, a tradition dating back to Cain. Hell no, we're not our brothers' keepers. If there's a buck to be made, screw my brother. Forget Jesus saying to do unto the least of them. In the real world the motto is to do the least unto them while making the most off them as fiendishly possible. After all, "Poverty is a choice. It's a behavioral disorder. Poverty, my friends, is a mental disease." Forget the New Testament saying: "Has not God chosen the poor . . . to be heirs of the kingdom that he has promised to those who love him?"

Let's face it. The Bible was wrong. Rich people are worth more. Poor people are worthless. They're cursed, not blessed like Jesus said. Paupers are not worthy of going to heaven. Poor people can't even buy a needle, much less a camel. The poor are disposable and replaceable. They are a dime a dozen. Take your pick from a variety of shapes, sizes and colors. Get what you can out of them, work them to death and cast them aside. People that get used deserve to get used. That's why I agree with you, squealing Neal, that in case of a catastrophe that "hell, yes, we should save the rich people first. You know, they're the ones that are responsible for this prosperity." Those who own America should rule America. "Letting welfare recipients vote is like letting the inmates run the asylum."

Not that any poor people should be on welfare, mind you. I'll never forget when you recommended that one of Katrina's victims consider peddling her wares on the street "If that's the only way she can take care of herself" as "it sure beats the hell out of sucking off the taxpayers." Don't be concerned, Neal, about when Jesus talked about feeding the hungry, clothing the naked or sheltering the homeless. Upon meeting Him, just tell Jesus that when one of the least - His very own - needed help, that you, Neal Boortz, advised her to turn tricks on the streets of a strange city. Don't worry. You won't have to listen to that bleeding-heart Jesus for long.

Then you and I can endlessly opine about the eternal Truth of the Rude Awakening of how right you are in saying that you are the Mouth of the really deep South.

Feverishly awaiting your carpetbagging arrival,

Lucifer B. Mephistopheles de Mammon

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B. 1952, GA, USA. D. To Be Determined. Beloved husband, father, grandfather, lover, confidant and friend of many from bikers to Zen masters; American writer and speaker, known for his criticism of Mammon's unholy trinity of big business, big (more...)
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