This fall it was revealed that Congress authorized $20 million to celebrate military victory in Iraq, making Republicans the "party" party. While the budget allocation was roundly criticized in numerous non-Fox media outlets, every one of them somehow overlooked a very important fact - that the celebration in question has already taken place. I was at that party, and like the war in Iraq, it was a real blast.
The party started at 8 PM sharp. By 8:15, due to overcharging on hors d'oeuvres by Halliburton, the entire budget had been exhausted. However, another $20 million was quickly authorized, and there was more where that came from. The fun then got underway as we played pin the tail on the donkey. Donkeys included John Kerry, Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, John Murtha, and a variety of other donkeys who have emboldened the terrorists by publicly criticizing the war effort.
Next was the three-legged race, featuring paired-off wounded Iraq war veterans. Although some teams were a leg or two short, a pleasant time was had by all. Soon after, we drifted over to the pi˝ata, where several of the contestants already blinded in Iraq declined the blindfold. Nonetheless, they whacked the pinata again and again. We all cheered, and out tumbled the body armor.
Our gracious host announced we would not be playing the blame game. However, we did have oodles of fun playing the "Plame game." In the Plame game, contestants have to match the names of otherwise private citizens with their covert CIA assignments. The winner gets a free trip to Niger and a big slice of yellow cake.
I decided to mill around a bit. It was an interesting crowd. The festivities were gay, though many of the partygoers were in the closet. Moving gingerly past the touchy-feely former House Deputy Whip Mark Foley, I spotted George W. Bush and Condi Rice sitting at a table and playing spin the bottle. They were the only two players. Donald Rumsfeld sat cross-legged in the corner in a haze of smoke and sucked on a large bong. When I approached, all he said was, "The horror, the horror!" At midnight, a little tipsy, we all scurried into the Rose Garden to look for WMDs. Former Vice Presidential Chief of Staff Scooter Libby managed to find a used butane lighter, which put us ahead of the UN weapons inspectors 1-0.
But perhaps the hit of the evening was a new game we played called "stay the course." The game was an absolute delight. A group of us with little or no training handling civil unrest stormed a depressed neighborhood in D.C. Our mission was to overthrow a local drug kingpin who had committed crimes against his own people. Though he escaped as we rolled in with Abrams tanks, shoulder-launched multipurpose assault riffles, and even a few drones, we did manage to secure the area. Oddly though, we were not greeted as heroes. Instead, local ingrates complained of nuisances such as massive infrastructure damage, power outages, and lack of running water.
Since that wonderful evening, there has been a great deal of infighting among the surviving drug underlords, resulting in a large number of civilian casualties. Though many of us have jobs, families, and PTAs to get back to, leaving means losing our friendly game of "stay the course." The good news is, if we remain here long enough, we're looking at the authorization of an additional $20 million to celebrate military victory in D.C.
Still other festivities planned for the coming weeks include a celebration of victory in the war on narcotics, a gala ball commemorating retirement of the national debt, a blowout saluting the full recovery of New Orleans, and a baby shower for Britney Spears. As Wayne Campbell once said to Garth Algar, "Party on!"
Rich Herschlag is the author of Lay Low and Don't Make the Big Mistake (Simon & Schuster, 1997), The Interceptor (Random House, 1998), and Women Are From Manhattan, Men Are From Brooklyn (Black Maverick, 2002). Also an engineer, he runs a consulting business, Turnkey Structural, that specializes in the rehabilitation of residential and commercial buildings. Visit him at RichsRant.com.