Terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden has released yet another videotape to the world just hours before the sixth anniversary of 9/11. Not content to lecture America on the Iraqi war and Americans' need to convert to Islam in his video of a few days ago, bin Laden has continued his criticism of America with an attack on Michael Vick of the Atlanta Falcons for despoiling the youth of America by abusing dogs and gambling. "In Moslem countries," he states, "we treat our dogs better than you treat your children." He also excoriated America for its vast consumption of pork, remarking that, "No wonder your society is so morally bankrupt. It is steeped in sin for wallowing in swine, whose tainted meat and manure fouls your kidneys and pollutes your minds." Bin Laden also, as he did previously, went on to recommend yet another book for the American public to read, Jack London's Call of the Wild.
It has been noted that bin Laden's appearance has changed markedly since his last appearance several days ago, when he surprised officials by sporting a full black beard, which suggests that he has either reversed the aging process or accepted an advertising contract to promote Grecian Formula 16. CIA officials were quick to point out that in Arabic culture, which enshrines youthful good looks and has created a virtual cottage industry of beard-dyeing parlors where one can even get beard perms, rat-tails, sauna-baths and full body-hair shaves, no self-respecting village elder or chieftain would dare be caught dead with a streak of grey hair in his beard. So bin Laden, they speculate, has simply been trying to keep up with fashion dictates.
But the appearance this time of antlers sprouting from bin Laden's head has caused some consternation among several news anchors, even though a senior U.S. intelligence official has told FOXX News that "initial technical analysis once again suggests that the voice on the tape is really bin Laden." A Department of Fish and Wildlife official explained it this way: "You have to realize that in the harsh, mountainous terrain along the Pakistani-Afghan border where bin Laden is reported to be hiding, he has had to adapt dramatically to his challenging environment, so this sudden growth of antlers is not surprising. This would also account for his newly flared nostrils and thick coat of hair."
As for his beard changing color once again, this time from black to brown, this same official added that, "We see similar, dramatic chameleon-like, color pigmentation changes in octopuses in response to threats to their environment, so Osama's ability to change beard color in the space of a few days only underscores his own considerable capability to adapt in a predatory environment."
But a State Department official rejected this analysis, explaining that obviously bin Laden, undoubtedly trying to enlist punk rockers around the world in his Jihad against us, has simply moussed and dyed his beard and hair in an outlandish, but intriguing sculpture that is sure to win him both admirers and recruits among punkers. For his part, bin Laden certainly played up the need of the world's rebellious youth to "find a creative outlet for your rage against the degenerate Crusader West by taking up the sword of Allah against the Zionist oppressor and his lackeys."
FOXX News has been monitoring the first reports of news anchors and reporters across the country on this latest bin Laden tape and can state that, after some initial skepticism as to the veracity of the new tape, they have almost universally accepted the tape as genuine after being reassured by the government. The White House, which was once again able to obtain an advance copy of the tape through the aegis of the Sleight Institute, also confirmed the authenticity of the tape, accepting the Department of Fish and Wildlife's explanation.
President Bush went on to say that this only reaffirms "the ongoing necessity of the War on Terror against these diabolical fiends, who have now found new ways to allude capture. I will be asking Congress shortly for increased funding to track down and eliminate these monsters. We have ordered our pilots, Special Forces teams, intelligence agencies and Predator drone operators to be partcularly alert for any turbaned suspects along the Pakistani-Afghan border with excessivly large heads or unusual head protrusions, as well as being extremely sensitive to any untoward mating calls in the mountains. We must also meet the cost of maintaining a brigade of on-call taxidermists."
FOXX News has made available a full transcript of the newest been Haden videotape.