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Professor Esbe's new theory of global warming

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Message Jay Esbe
Professor Esbe's new theory of global warming

There's been a lot of debate about global warming lately as the United States fries like an egg. O.K., so there hasn't been a lot of debate; there have been a few idiots who deny it, but they make a lot of noise.
The rest of us all know it's happening, the only question we really have is this: Can we actually do anything to stop it or minimize it enough for it not to destroy civilization as we know it.

I want to point out a global warming factor that I have yet to see mentioned, but which the American people can certainly eliminate as a factor in less than 3 long, miserable, wretched months; George Bush's pants. Not only are they on fire literally every day, he had actually set his pants on fire more than 230 times before he was elected (sort of) last time.

Now you might not really believe that the fact that George Bush's pants are almost continually on fire, is a significant cause of global warming, but I intend to prove that it absolutely is.

First, each and every pair of pants Mr. Bush burns up with a huge lie, must be replaced. When was the last time you saw Mr. Bush without any clothes? No wait, that question doesn't really work does it. O.K., does the man begin each day with a fresh pair of pants? Yes. Don't allow the fact that he looks at the mid-term polls and promptly soils them distract you from the fact that at one time, he was wearing a clean pair of pants. I'm certain they're usually changed. Except maybe those two weeks when Laura moved into a Hotel suite. I guess that's another story so I've digressed again.

The point is, each pair of George's pants destroyed by flames, must be REPLACED. There's really a lot more to that than meets the eye or should; First, a farmer must fire up his tractor and till the cotton field to plant the cotton destined to become George's latest pants. That burns fuel. Then, a force of sweating illegal immigrants must make their way to the border, usually packed into a box truck by the dozen. That doesn't take a lot of fuel really because of the "car pool" factor. But it's still more stuff burned up in the quest for new pants for George.

Next, the cotton gets picked, and goes on a big boat which spends three weeks sailing to China. LOTS of fuel burned there. Then, the cotton is off-loaded by more trucks. More fuel. Then the cotton for George's new pants goes to a great big factory where machines wash it, spin it into cotton fibers, and then weave it on huge looms into fabric. This uses a lot of energy and cranks out an immense amount of heat; the damn generating the electricity heats the water, killing the fish. The factory heats the air using the electricity. Then the fabric gets loaded onto another truck to take it to the place where George's new pnats will be made. More fuel burned, more pollution. Then it goes to a place called a "sweat shop" -for good reason- where the heat of child labor generates more warming for 35 cents an hour in sixteen hour shifts.

Finally, George's new pants are finished. But now they must be loaded onto a truck, and driven to a ship to send them back. More carbon spewed into the atmosphere. Then it's another three week trip across the ocean to America for the pants. Lots more fuel. But it's not over. The pants must then be "Americanized". This is a processed of similar value as "sanfordizing"; Fred Sandford, or some facsimile of him, in yet another sweat shop, then sews a "label" into the pants which ironically says "Made in USA". It's not really a lie. The label is in fact made in the USA. But I digress. This isn't over yet, these are no ordinary pants, these are King George's new pants.

Next, the pants are picked up by another truck, where they are driven to the airport and placed on a flight to the United Kingdom. More fuel. At this point, the new pants could either become Tony Blair's new pants (He frequently sets his on fire as well), or Mr. Bush's. I digress again, but you deserve it. Anyway....

The air cargo jet flies the new pants to England. LOTS of fuel burned there. When it arrives, a vehicle again picks up the pants, again spewing more pollution into the atmosphere. There, the pants are taken to an English tailor in a lovely air conditioned, wall to wall carpeted suit emporium where some blithering old Englishman in glasses takes them into the back room. What happens there is beyond the scope of this article, but suffice it to say it employs Scotland Yard, The Secret Service, and perhaps Microsoft. No one knows for sure, but all these people have to come to work to build George's new English pants. At some point, everyone has done their job, the pants have cleared the scrutiny of the PPSP (Presidential Pants Security Police), and the pants are once again, picked up, this time by something called a "Lorrie". But you can go ahead and call it a truck if you're from a Red State and your house is aluminum. Sorry, I keep digressing with this dressing. Anyhoo...

More fuel has been burned. Then once again, the pants are put on a Jet which flies them to Washington DC. Lots more fuel burned goes without saying. Then the OWL TRADE (Official White House Licensed Tailor of Returned Dress Equipment) is sent out to pick up the pants by Limousine. I don't need to tell you what kind of Mileage those get do I?

Finally, King George's new pants arrive at the White House for fitting. If the pants are approved by the King, they are then worn the next day, and almost certainly catch on fire as soon as Mr. Bush says something. That is the Presidential pants cycle as we know it today.

Now as bad as all of that sounds, you may still be thinking that it's still only 365 pairs of pants per year, and realistically can't be a factor in global warming. That's where you're wrong. You see, this eventually involves a whole lot more pairs of pants than just Mr. Bush's. There are Cheney pants. There are Rumsfeld pants. Sometimes there are even Condi pants. All of these catch fire on a daily basis and must be replaced. I've only mentioned a few, but really, we're talking about the entire administration. Tony Snow too. Everyone know what snow pants are, but few knew how incredibly flammable they are; They're so flammable, that Tony doesn't even have to set them on fire himself; George can do it by proxy. But there is still more to this picture. What happens when all these pants, catch on fire? Well, the fire spreads. In 2004 it spread to the Swift Boat Veterans for "Truth" (And presumably new pants envy as well). Then the burning pants spread to talk radio, Fox News, and it all ended up with roughly 50 percent (give or take a few hundred Diebold machines) of the American electorate having their pants on fire. That is one hell of a lot of pants on fire isn't it. Is it over? No way.

The combined heat of 50 million pairs of American pants catching on fire, soon spread to Iraq (On fire), Afghanistan (burning since 2001 n account of only a few pairs of flaming pants in DC), Lebanon, and Israel. It seems that every time Mr. Bush's pants catch on fire, a new country catches on fire. And all those fires, well, they're all adding up to one big global melt down.

So next time you see Mr. Bush lie to you, I want you to consider the real implications of what appear at first glance to only be a single pair of flaming pants; If America were going to hell in a hand basket, wouldn't you expect it to start getting warmer? No wonder he denies it.
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Jay Esbe is a writer with a background in cultural anthropology and comparative religion and lives in Seattle Washington.
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