Jinshan Mining Ltd, a leading mineral extraction corporation based in China, has officially announced its ground-breaking technology for extracting gold from the water supply in the United States, including groundwater, rivers, lakes and streams. After years of fastidious research, Jinshan has concluded that most of the water throughout the continental United States contains significant trace levels of gold particles. Its scientists have determined that the concentration of particles is high enough to enable the mining concern 's innovative new extraction process to cull significant quantities of the precious metal from ordinary H2O.
CEO Zhu Jintao was brimming with enthusiasm as he addressed eager members of the US media via satellite link from a remote area of China where he was vacationing with his family:
"We are projecting revenue somewhere in the neighborhood of $60 billion US dollars, in the first year. As we ramp up the project, we hope to double or perhaps even triple that figure within the next two years. Gold from water! It is as if we have discovered a form of alchemy! "
Articulating with a powerful command of his second language, Mr. Jintao continued:
While Jintao failed to broach the subject, it is worth noting that Jinshan 's extraction process involves the use of highly toxic chemicals, including cyanide, thallium, barium, arsenic, and mercury. Jinshan 's "mining" is expected to quadruple the EPA 's legally acceptable levels of each of these contaminants in the drinking water of over 1.4 million Americans. Another undisclosed consequence of Jinshan 's "alchemy " is that it will require that they construct over a hundred processing facilities across the United States. Ecologists conservatively project that the ecosystem within a fifty mile radius of each of Jinshan 's "mining " sites will be uninhabitable by animal or plant life for at least twenty years.
In a move demonstrating unprecedented disregard for human and environmental protections in the United States, the Bush administration has given the green light to Jinshan. Over-riding the feeble objections of Congress, President Bush has granted the Chinese concern unlimited access to the National Park System for construction of its gold extracting installations. He has also granted Jinshan an exemption from all EPA standards and US environmental laws. In return, Jinshan has pledged to share 10% of their profits with the American people through payments to the federal government.
Groups like Greenpeace and the Sierra Club are expected to raise major objections. Members will likely commit acts of civil disobedience and possibly take violent measures against Jinshan to prevent the inevitable environmental and public health disaster. Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff indicated that all who opposed the Chinese venture would be arrested as domestic terrorists and detained indefinitely.
When members of the press corps questioned the Constitutionality of such a move, Chertoff quipped:
"National security is the issue here. I do not have time to debate the law with you. "
Despite the prospect of a powerful backlash leading to civil unrest in America, President Bush has pledged to remain firm and resolute.
"I refuse to back down on the Jinshan Project. If necessary, I will deploy the National Guard to protect our friends from China. "
Reading a prepared statement, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice explained and defended the administration 's decision on the Jinshan Project: