Jinshan Mining Ltd, a leading mineral extraction corporation based in China, has officially announced its ground-breaking technology for extracting gold from the water supply in the United States, including groundwater, rivers, lakes and streams. After years of fastidious research, Jinshan has concluded that most of the water throughout the continental United States contains significant trace levels of gold particles. Its scientists have determined that the concentration of particles is high enough to enable the mining concerns innovative new extraction process to cull significant quantities of the precious metal from ordinary H2O.
Jinshan, a Chinese multinational, has indicated they have found a surprisingly inexpensive means to process the millions of gallons of American water necessary to reap the profits they seek.
CEO Zhu Jintao was brimming with enthusiasm as he addressed eager members of the US media via satellite link from a remote area of China where he was vacationing with his family:
Articulating with a powerful command of his second language, Mr. Jintao continued:
Naturally, we are quite pleased that the Bush administration has agreed that the United States government will lend its full support to our exciting new venture. Jinshan and the nation of China are most thankful for Americas generous accommodation.
In a move demonstrating unprecedented disregard for human and environmental protections in the United States, the Bush administration has given the green light to Jinshan. Over-riding the feeble objections of Congress, President Bush has granted the Chinese concern unlimited access to the National Park System for construction of its gold extracting installations. He has also granted Jinshan an exemption from all EPA standards and US environmental laws. In return, Jinshan has pledged to share 10% of their profits with the American people through payments to the federal government.
Groups like Greenpeace and the Sierra Club are expected to raise major objections. Members will likely commit acts of civil disobedience and possibly take violent measures against Jinshan to prevent the inevitable environmental and public health disaster. Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff indicated that all who opposed the Chinese venture would be arrested as domestic terrorists and detained indefinitely.
When members of the press corps questioned the Constitutionality of such a move, Chertoff quipped:
National security is the issue here. I do not have time to debate the law with you.
Despite the prospect of a powerful backlash leading to civil unrest in America, President Bush has pledged to remain firm and resolute.
I refuse to back down on the Jinshan Project. If necessary, I will deploy the National Guard to protect our friends from China.
Reading a prepared statement, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice explained and defended the administrations decision on the Jinshan Project: