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Why I Now Genuflect to Charles Krauthammer

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"But when he awoke, he found that he could no longer be certain whether he was a man dreaming he was a butterfly, or a butterfly dreaming he was a man..."

An insightful reader recently informed me that "the world will always owe America a huge debt of gratitude for all the good things we have done". As a vehement critic of many aspects of American society and politics in numerous essays on a variety of topics, I paused when I read that statement. And I contemplated. The longer I considered it, the more confused and ashamed I became. My mind was reeling. Within a period of a few short hours, my emotional condition had declined to a state of morose withdrawal and eventually deteriorated to a paralyzing anxiety with intermittent bursts of debilitating self-loathing. Words have not evolved that could accurately describe my pitiful condition.

Thank God there was a copy of the Kansas City Star near me as my crisis reached its zenith. Plumbing the depths of emotional agony, I sat facing the wall, rocking and banging my head against the textured stucco to punish myself for my acts of betrayal. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a fleeting glimpse of an all too familiar sight. Charles Krauthammer's tiny black and white photo on the Op/Ed page was giving me his patented sneer, that malevolent half-smile which I had cursed so many times in the past. Yet today he appeared much less derisive. In fact, he had an avuncular appearance as he kindly beckoned me to imbibe the brilliance emanating from his recently penned piece, which was accompanied by his reassuring image on the slightly yellowed newsprint. Drawn in by Krauthammer's irresistible Siren's Call, I halted my self-flagellation and devoured his masterful drumbeat for war against Iran in which he proclaimed his unflinching support for the Bush Regime's War on Terror. In that moment, I came to a stunning realization. Charles Krauthammer is a prophet!

Tears streamed down my face as I realized how many filthy distortions I had written about our great nation. How could I ever redeem myself? True American heroes like Michael Savage, Rush Limbaugh, and Michelle Malkin courageously risk their lives each day as they deliver the truth about our noble, courageous, and benevolent Homeland. The poor, uneducated masses thirst deeply for enlightenment as they wander in the desert of ignorance in search of the oasis of knowledge tended by these pillars of American society. Savage and his fellow purveyors of truth risk Terrorist attacks with each word they utter or write. Who knows around which corner Osama could be lurking, ready to strike them down with a dash of Anthrax powder to the face or a gash of the carotid with a pair of box cutters. Meanwhile, over the last year, I had written essay after essay in support of silly, idealistic notions like social justice, peace and human rights, even supporting the cause of those evil Palestinians! It takes the breath away. I had been playing right into the hands of the Terrorists. How could I have been so naive? What could I do to make it better?

Desperate, I looked back at the bold countenance of Krauthammer. Through his stern yet conservatively compassionate example, Charles showed me the way. I knew what I had to do. Feeling calm and determined, I began my metamorphosis and flew into action.

Jumping on my computer, I opened a new email and quickly composed a few words. In the subject line, I typed, "America the Beautiful." Opening my address book, I felt a rush of elation as I sent it to virtually all 3,000 of the liberal scourge and repulsive foreigners (associates from what was now a previous life) whose email addresses contaminated my computer. The email read as follows:

"Our intentions are always good. We may kill a few million innocent civilians here and there, but you have to crack some eggs if you want to make an omelette. We Americans are God's gift to humanity and we can do no wrong! It is time that you liberal cockroaches and foreign dogs engage in some serious fear and trembling. Get on your knees and bow before the Almighty USA...."

That felt so good that I posted it on Thomas Paine's Corner, my blog (and direct conduit to the Internet). Almost 150,000 people have visited my humble site since May of last year, and I vowed that future readers would encounter a very different animal. Gone would be the focus on human rights and dignity. War, corporate power, winning at all costs, Social Darwinism, and the spread of America's version of freedom and democracy would breathe new purpose and meaning into my pathetically idealistic site.

Thankfully, George Bush, a man who I now viewed as a hero, was speaking that day at Kansas State University (not far from my home). His presence further strengthened my spirit. Just thinking about his courageous defense of his noble actions to protect us from those vile Terrorists gave me goose bumps. I made a mental note to compose an essay arguing that all Americans need to consider civil liberties a luxury that must be sacrificed in the face of the Terrorist threat. Further, I resolved to write a piece to persuade the American people that Congress and the Supreme Court need to stay out of Bush's way as he pursues evil men like bin Laden. Bush is a man of God and we know that we can trust him to do what is best for our country, our families and for us. Those traitorous Americans who dare to dissent against him deserve to join the captured Terrorists for an indefinite stay at Guantanamo Bay. The Bill of Rights is an impediment to expedient justice and needs to be re-written, or perhaps simply discarded altogether.

(Note to self: Burn the ACLU and Amnesty International Cards and tell the wife to direct future donations to the Heritage Foundation and the Federalist Society).

Turning my attention to foreigners , which is what we real Americans call those pitiable individuals on whom our Christian God did not bestow the blessing of birth on US soil, I decided to pen a quick discourse for Thomas Paine's Corner explaining to them that Americans are morally superior, smarter, stronger, wealthier, and essentially superior to them:

"Our nation dominates the world, militarily, culturally, and financially, and those of you who do not embrace the McWallStreet Way deserve to wallow in the misery of your limited existence. If you are not going to play the game by our rules, you do not deserve the resources you have. If we do not wrest them from you militarily, we will see to it that our puppets dominate your governments and enable our powerful corporate entities to exploit you through free trade agreements. Learn English (the language we stole from our flunkies across the Atlantic) because we will not bother studying your trivial means of communication. As White Goodman said in the movie Dodgeball:

"We're better than you, and we know it!"

Having duly informed the foreigners (with whom we so generously share the air we breathe) that they represent mere ants in the afterbirth of our great nation, I decided it was time to remind them to feel appreciative that America allows them to continue in their miserable existence. I wanted to write something that would bring them to the realization that when they arise each morning, it isn't their chosen deity they need to thank for making it to another day; it is the United States. Simultaneously, I wanted to remind my fellow patriots (and those skeptical liberal cowards) why the United States is such a glorious nation on which God continues to bestow bountiful blessings.

Driven by my renewed sense of purpose, and my blazing passion to follow my new-found inspiration, mentor, and idol, Charles Krauthammer, I elected to compile a compelling (yet succinct) detail, an accounting if you will, of the world's debt to America. Men like Charles were born to deliver sight to the blind and knowledge to the ignorant. I took a moment and prayed that one day I would have the strength to carry such a burden, and to do it as well as Charles. Meanwhile, I vowed to press ahead. Realizing that the Project for the New American Century must be implemented, regardless of the human or financial cost, I felt duty bound to quantify the world's debts to America, which most certainly validate the PNAC:

1. While only representing 3% of the population, Americans consume 25% of the world's resources. We are keeping the other 97% of the population spiritually healthy. Detachment from the material world is critical on the path to enlightenment.

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Jason Miller, Senior Editor and Founder of TPC, is a tenacious forty something vegan straight edge activist who lives in Kansas and who has a boundless passion for animal liberation and anti-capitalism. Addicted to reading and learning, he is mostly (more...)
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