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My Last Day of Work

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Message David Cox

How could this happen to me? My sector, my department, had always been the best in our employee evaluations. In every category we scored in the highest possible percentile; efficiency, timeliness, loyalty, patriotism, and yes, even in dogma, we were number one. So how could this happen? It must be a mistake, that's it! A mistake, I'll send them an Email, requesting an evaluation of pending efficiency and productivity improvement.

I had done that once before, several years ago, when they reduced my department from ten employees down to five. My evaluation request had gone to the highest levels of management; I had been commended for its thoroughness and for my loyalty to my fellow workers. I was awarded the Dedicated-Employee-of-the-Year Award for my commitment to the company's integrity. In the end my recommendations, after having been thoroughly evaluated by all three executive committees, productivity, efficiency and cost-benefit analysis, had decided that the earlier assessment had, in fact, been incorrect and they reduced my department down to just three required employees.

Maybe they just don't understand what we do here. A huge corporation like this, that creates thousands of products every day, can sometimes lose sight of the obvious. The thousands of shipments, incoming and outgoing, still need supervision. While you can automate the trucks, and the forklifts, the shipping and receiving and even the manufacturing of the products themselves, someone has to oversee all those computers and robots to make sure all that happens correctly. That someone is me! Whether they know it or not, I'm indispensable. I was the man whose streamlining-efficiency report enabled this company to eliminate 118 full-time positions!

I was the one who showed them that by using outside maintenance contractors they could save time, and the stockholders, money! Why, that program alone justifies my continued employment! I was the one who recommended the cost savings by purchasing sub-assemblies from the third world. Do you know how much money that saved this company? A lot! Believe you me! I remember watching the third shift clocking out for the last time and thinking to myself, "I did that, the stockholders of this corporation owe me big time!"

By using full automation, and on-demand inventory, by the use of contracted only-as-needed maintenance and the outsourcing of sub-assemblies along with the elimination of waste, we had reduced the number of employees from over five hundred to ten. Nine, once I'm gone. The plant manager, his secretary, the assistant plant manager, his secretary, two in accounting, two tax attorneys and one public information officer.

I bet they'll be sorry! I'm the one who made things run around here! The plant manager just sits on his ass all day long, passing his work off to the assistant plant manager. The assistant plant manager only has the time to do his boss's work because of me! I was the one who programmed away all the drudge work that he once had to do, and how am I repaid for it? By getting laid off! That's how! But no! They didn't call it that; they called it improving profitability by reducing outgoing expenditures for non-fixed, non-capital assets. Twenty-three syllables to say, you're fired! How's that for efficiency?

Well, I'm not gone that easy; I have friends around here. I'll go over their heads to the big boys upstairs. I sat down at my terminal and began:

To: Biological Assets Resources board.
Evaluation committee for benefits and compensation.

Subject: Reevaluation request, re: memo # 010-651456, improving profitability by reducing outgoing expenditures for non-fixed non-capital assets.

Dear Sirs?

You big, fat-assed, sonofa bitches! No, I'll be a little more tactful than that.

Dear Sirs,

I have been employed by this corporation for over eighteen years, and in that time, thanks to the tireless efforts of myself and many others, we have overseen the quadrupling of this corporation's assets worldwide. Through the efforts of people like myself we have assisted and made possible the expansion of net, after-tax profits from billions to trillions of dollars. These efforts assure the stockholders of this corporation a quality, monetary return on their investment. I, myself, have spearheaded programs to improve efficiency that have benefited the company by the elimination of hundreds of full-time positions.

My plan to purchase sub-assemblies from the third world accounted for 118 full-time positions being eliminated at this plant alone! It is my understanding that this plan was also implemented at the full spectrum of corporate manufacturing facilities worldwide, resulting in the streamlining of thousands of full-time positions and associated revenue enhancement. I have been named employee of the year for the last four years running, so many times, in fact, that my employee number has achieved some notoriety and fame! I tell you this so that you will understand that this is not just some disgruntled employee, but employee 0118-46!

I would like to humbly request that a reevaluation hearing be held by which I may request that the memo # 010-651456, improving profitability by reducing out going expenditures for non-fixed non-capital assets, be fully rescinded and that I might state my case for continued full-time employment.

Yours truly,

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I was born and raised in Chicago in a liberal Democratic home my Grandfather was a labor union organizer my Father a Democratic district committeeman my Mother was an election judge. My earliest memories were of passing out Kennedy yard signs from (more...)
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