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OpEdNews Op Eds    H3'ed 4/21/09

The MAT Doctrine – Mutually Assured Torture

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Message Kent Welton
 The MAT Doctrine – Mutually Assured Torture
            Flash - This just in – Iran and Al-Queda state they would never waterboard anyone more than 150 times.

        Given recent events, we are now being made fools of, and made to look like Good Germans just following orders... without limits.  This when Iran and Al-Queda now reveal they would never waterboard their foreign terrorist prisoners more than 150 times.  Its against their morals.
         This is, of course, in response to the recent revelation that we did one of their terrorist captives 183 times... and then covered up the fact that we did not mention the number of upside down flushes?  
        This is a clear public relations coup for the Iranians and Al-Queda.  They’re looking positively saintly next to our Cheney-ish brutality.
        Are we now risking a torture technique war?  Are we on the cusp of an escalation in torture?  Or, might we see a dis-armament [sic]?  
        If a Mutually Assured Destruction (MAD) policy vis-a-vis nuclear weapons can work why not utilize this eminently reasonable approach to the practice of torture. For god sakes, set some limits!   We must also, however, provide some wiggle room for the eminently reasonable and responsible torturers to do their duty... while following new Mutually-Assured-Torture orders to the tee. 
        Clearly we need a new structure, an international agreement on the number of waterboardings that might constitute torture – this is, it seeems, a perfectly good errand for the ruling elite’s water boys attending the G20 conference.  
        A MAT Doctrine – of Mutually Assured Toture - is clearly called for in order to put some limits on the practice, stop the dissemination of our best techniques, and make sure our enemies do not get ahead of us in this field.    Unless we can also attract and get the future Werner Von Brauns of torture, by conquering our enemies, we may soon be in deep trouble.   Better protected, than ejected.
         Surely, defense requires rational response and readiness because you never know what may hit you... or hit you back.  Nuclear weapons?  Your enemy has 100? Make sure you have 200, and say 100.  It’s a familiar story.. and the very design of the oh so clever “MAD” strategy.  Well, seen any nuclear explosions lately? 
        With the recent revelations about our torture program it is obvious that we need some form of MAT doctrine – i.e., one in which we meet and raise the enemy's bet, and yet also limit any offending abuses of soldiers and citizens in custody, regardless of charge.   We need a ceiling on these things.. and not just one for hanging people from.  If its to be a poker game... then we need the most advanced set of hot pokers money can buy. 
        Especially with guys living in caves in far-off countries you want to keep your edge.  We have to make certain our government agencies study brutality down thru the ages in order not to miss any effective techniques. Why, for god’s sake, haven’t we made use of the old draw and quartering?  There’s nothing half a terrorist can do to us!
       But I think we’re missing the boat here... the love boat.  Consider just the waste of water in waterboarding, I mean its not even recycled. 
       In any case we need some new techniques, more appealing to the Muslim guys, for example. Waterboarding? Forgedaboutit.
       A think the heavenly approach might be far more effective.   Say, a little Xctasy with an LSD nightcap?  We simply need to re-make these brutal beings into something soft and cuddly and so then really friendly to our interrogators.
       We, of all generations, should know by now that only good drugs can achieve these ends... nevertheless, we do have to be careful regarding the “set” and “setting” in order to get the desired results.  
        So, I feel that if we can do a Truman Show kind of thing where we can make them believe they’re entering paradise, and then we get some CIA chicks with great boobs and booties to put on the veils.   I think we might then turn the trick on terrorism.
        Now, what good Muslim (not to mention other mono-god sects) will not be fearful at the judgment gates of, say, a really nice-looking heaven or paradise?  Hey, they’ve been waiting for this, even promised the eternal good life... just for a little bit of bad life on earth.   Its merely the old bargain indulgence type of thing - something originally perfected by the Catholic Church but soon picked up by the Muslims and too many others. 
        So, there they are with their heads full of love and light from spectacular government-quality acid and Xcstasy and absolutely giddy upon seeing the elaborate, ersatz, entry to paradise. 
        Now, we strike.  In their moment of weakness, the girls appear and shimmy on out to some familiar middle-eastern, Bin-Laden approved, beats.  Once worked into a frenzy of desire the music suddenly stops, just as the wine and more is about to flow.  Our “virgin” girls now make their demands – i.e., “there’s just no way you can enter our little paradise honey bunch unless you tell us the truth... right now... an so tell us all about it my little curmudgeon and promise me never to again.” 
        "Come on sweety,  no Truth, no Wine.  No Truth, no Puss...y.  No Truth, no Paradise.   Truthiness rocks."
        Well, its revolutionary I admit, but I predict we could then perfect the collape of judgment and bury all their reluctance at this one big juicy juncture moment. Do, or wont... that is the question.   No truth, no...
        Desire... it’s the most powerful of drugs.   Combine it with some dogma promising good stuff in another life and you really got something.  
        With our new novel treatment, however, terrorism as we know it is likely to disappear - or, at worst, just be an infrequent bad trip away.
        Clearly, the Truman Show - Belly Dance Trance technique is one with a future. We could call it, ironically, the Washington D.C. show.  Anyway, we don’t need all that sloppy, centuries, old brutality and scary machines that stretch people stuff.  And who ever told the truth after getting only one linb cut off?  After all, Monte Python proved that. 
        Its time to make love, not torture.      
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