PRES. P: Good morning, everyone. Sorry I'm late...it took me a little longer than usual to carve up the moose I slaughtered yesterday. May I hear from each of you as to what programs you've implemented? Let's begin with the Secretary of our new Department of Chastity, Christine O'Donnell.
O'DONNELL: Thank you, Madame President. With the help of my Assistant Secretary of Chastity, Bristol Palin, I'm launching policies in my Department that I think will be of great benefit to our constituents. First, of course, I've closed all abortion clinics and Planned Parenthood offices. Instead, I've created a new program, which I call the No Sex Is Good Sex Project. There, we will counsel all young people and all single people that they may not engage in sex in any form. If we catch them in the act, they'll be fined and, if they commit repeated offenses, they'll be imprisoned. I've also had the Bureau of Printing print 50 million posters to be posted in all public schools, youth clubs, etc., that say "KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF YOUR SEX ORGANS -- MASTURBATION IS PUNISHABLE!" We're developing a tracking system so that we're able to keep tabs on people in their bedrooms and bathrooms in order to catch them in the act.
PRES. P: Excellent, Secretary O'Donnell. Those measures should go a long way toward keeping people on the moral path we decide they should follow. Now, let's move on to the Department of Defense. What have you got to report, Secretary McCain?
MCCAIN: We're implementing multiple surges, Madame President. Wherever we are engaged in battle, we will do a surge forthwith. Surge! Surge! Surge! That's the ticket. Let the anti-war yellow bellies scream their heads off, we're going to pour troops into all the hot spots in the world. That's how we'll spread democracy....by cramming it down their throats.
PRES. P: Have you figured out where to get all those extra troops, Secretary McCain?
MCCAIN: Absolutely. We've re-instituted the draft, effective immediately. No deferments for anybody other than the blind, the deaf and amputees. Further, Ma'am, I've proposed an order for the military to invade Iraq again. I never bought that story that there were no weapons of mass destruction. We'll search every home in Iraq until we find them. As for Afghanistan, I've removed all time lines, and we're beefing up the drones and night raids. Our invasions of Iran and Pakistan are going well, and we're mobilizing for an invasion of Mexico. That ought to solve the immigration problem!
And, another thing. I've made sure the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy remains firmly in place. In fact, I've improved it. People can be discharged not only for being openly gay, but for being artists, musicians, and Liberals. We don't want any weepy oddballs in our armed forces.
PRES. P: Excellent work, John. Michele Bachmann, now that you're Secretary of Health and Welfare, please tell us what policies you're pursuing in your new assignment.
BACHMANN: That's easy, sir...I mean, Ma'am. We've ended Medicare and we're phasing out Social Security. Other improvements we've instituted are the reduction of welfare so that the only people who are eligible are unemployed single parents with diagnosed terminal diseases and at least six children.
PRES. P: Very good. You might also want to think about decreasing payments to orphans over the age of 8. And now, let's hear from the Secretary of State. Mr. Beck?
BECK: The most important thing is to get all the oil we can. That means that we've got to take control of all the oil-producing nations, including Russia. Therefore, we are beginning the process of reinstating the Cold War and rev-ing up the arms race so drastically that the Soviets will have to capitulate and give us their most valuable resource. We've eliminated most of our diplomatic corps, also, Madame President, realizing that negotiation gets us nowhere. Force is the tool we will always use to secure what we want. America will now not only dominate the world, we will enslave it to serve our needs. Oh, yes, we're also bailing out of the U.N. and demanding that they leave our shores by the end of the year. Real estate is an extremely precious commodity in New York City, and we can use their buildings and land.
PRES. P: I couldn't agree more. Mr. Boehner, will you give us your progress report for the Treasury Department?
BOEHNER: Certainly, Madame President. I'm happy to report that we've been instrumental in getting the House and Senate to pass a permanent tax cuts bill. Those earning over $250,000 annually will henceforth pay only one percent of their taxable income to the government. With all the jobs that will trickle down as a result of this policy, the middle and lower classes should be able easily to pay their 40% of gross income. But, that's not all. Now that deregulation is permanently installed, we are free to outsource most office and computer jobs to India and other countries, vastly lowering personnel costs and at the same time driving profits way up. We're not sure these new policies will balance out so that we can reduce the national debt, but, oh, well, we'll let future administrations worry about that.
PRES. P: Thank you, everybody. You're all doing a real bang-up job. I think that's enough for today. I have to go practice now at the rifle range. Got to keep my trigger finger in shape. Those of you who didn't get to make reports today, please send them to my Chief of Staff, my husband, Todd. Oh, one more note. I've asked Vice President Sharon Angell to be ready to take over the Presidency when I retire six months from now. I think I can serve America best out of office traveling around signing books, giving speeches, doing reality shows for big fees. I have to support my family in style, don't y'know.
JOAN WILE -- author of newly-published book,
GRANDMOTHERS AGAINST THE WAR: GETTING OFF OUR FANNIES AND STANDING UP FOR PEACE (Citadel Press, May 2008 -- available at amazon.com and in book stores), which is an account of her founding of (more...)