President Cheney – a question, but just one. A really little one.
Alright I'm a nut that can be pigeonholed into just about any hate group you can think of; truther, life long liberal, Olbermann and Daily show watcher, tea drinker, Francophile (big word using French lover), sexual (gay) rights advocate, A.C.L.U. contributor, and PEACE promoter.
I hereby swear before your God, whom I will now accept as my personal savior, that I will conform to all "right" thought in the most good-good fashion, to be defined only by Rush Limbaugh. I will do this of my own free will. I will not only do this but I will convince the rest of the vast left wing conspiracy to join me in shutting up and doing what we're told. Not only that but we will use what remains of our nefarious powers to shut up the Libertarians too. We will come to every Republican meeting with the sole intention of shouting down the Ron Paul supporters. We will force Janeane Garofalo to flee the country and settle down in France. Keith Olbermann must now replace his Limbaugh denigrating clip with one of himself bouncing the same way, and end every show saying that water boarding is not torture but what those terrorists deserve.
Hollywood will stop being liberal and represent the "real" values of America. They will push for an amendment to the constitution banning gays from marrying. We will tell all of the people we turned gay that they need to lead straight and true lives now, and if they're going to continue being gay to stay the Hell out of the military.
The A.C.L.U. will be banned as an organization as soon as they complete work on the burn a flag and spend life in prison bill.
Abstinence only will not be open to debate, because all sex-ed along with evolution will be removed from all schools.
I will petition the Pentagon that it's only fitting that they rename Cheyenne Mountain Cheney Mountain, and that the Parks Department place the Great Decider in his proper place on Mount Rushmore.
I will grant you a few interrogative boons before hand. I will not ask about any of the inconsistencies in the 9/11 report even though it pains me like enhanced interrogation. I will grant that only the highest level officials who were the most recalcitrant were ever water boarded. I will further grant that enhanced interrogation is not torture, even though every one of your supporters who has said that it's not and gone through a tiny taste, has recanted the moment it started. I will grant that it was a legitimate attempt to protect the American people and not a calculated ploy to create justification for a war of aggression. I will grant you that it works and works much more effectively than simply talking to the terrorists. See, I didn't say suspect. I'm trying, really, really trying hard to get with the program. In fact when I'm done with this I'm going to go get a hair cut and throw out my jeans.
Now my question may very well ask for you to divulge confidential information that we, the American People, don't know the answer to. I must reasonably assume that sense E.I. works, and works well that it's in those reports you want declassified. As you've made it abundantly clear President "cough" Obama's not to be trusted. He's holding back on those reports and not taking action. That being the case, I must ask you to divulge this classified information. I know that you're a man of law, so what I'm asking is pretty big, but I promise that not only will the bounty and eternal gratitude of a truly united gay and liberal free America be yours, but there will never be a jury in this land that will convict you of releasing classified information. Another bonus, the full might of the military/industrial complex will be at your disposal to stop pesky "torture" charges from other lands from interrupting your hunting. A great man like you needs to be able to relax after all. Just remember that you should always hunt with a friend.
As I said earlier, all of this can be yours. We just need one teeny tiny piece of information. Information that I'm sure you wrung out of those no good bastard terrorists who totally deserved what they got. I know that there are millions of Americans who can take care of our shared little "problem", on their own dime, if you but tell us what we need to know.
On behalf of the liberals, libertarians, truthers and every other undesirable you can think of, I promise that all of these riches will be yours, for the low, low price of the answer to the following question.
Where's Bin Laden?