Dateline: Huntsville, Alabama
Oct. 10, 2009
Jesus A Terrorist
After the recent controversy over the destruction of an ancient Indian burial mound in order to erect a new Sam's Club,
The son of Phyllis Schlafly has announced a re-write of the Bible. According to Mr. Schlafly, the currently accepted translation is full of anti-war liberal socialist radicalism. '..We're giving nothing to any damn Caesar,..' Mr. Schlafly declares, '..and all this rot about turning the other cheek won't work with guns, anyway..'
Apparently Jesus, after spending the last eight years incommunicado at Gitmo, is going to supermax. Evangelists agree with Schlafly's assessment. Jesus is a socialist, they say. Jesus is anti-war, they say. His opinions put him in the same camp with that other declared terrorist organization: People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, known as PETA-- as well as all the other tree-huggers who want to destroy the American Way of Life-- which is death to those without health insurance, death to those of whom deprivation has stolen their morals, death to those whose imprisonment has enabled some of the great Republican prosecutors to achieve high office regardless of the evidence, death by curious suicides and small plane crashes to others who would criticize those who have been accessories to grand theft and mass murder and last but not least, death to those who have been attempting to stifle us, who were able to employ the great American capitalist system to steal billions from grandmas in California and trillions from the liberal taxpayers. Jesus is against rich people, they say.
Jesus drank from wells, they say. Not purified public drinking water monopolies. And wine don't come from wells, they say.
'Those filthy rivers are nothing but a liberal playground, fit for hog waste, mercury residues and agricultural runoff. No wonder his brains are scrambled. And all that talk about the meek is propaganda designed to make us so weak we'll be forced to give up the three hundred military bases in other countries and cut the trillion dollar a year Pentagon budget.'
No Way, they say. 'Jesus is going to supermax, where his radical socialist tree-hugging ideas will be stuck in a steel trap, where they do not threaten our freedom to bring life to a foetus and death to anybody else who gets in our way (of life).'
Having been subjected to "enhanced interrogation techniques" for eight years, Jesus has steadfastly refused to expose other terrorist cells, like the Mayo Clinic and St. Jude's Hospital.
Jesus did note the coincidence of George W. Bush's birthdate with the crash of the flying saucer at Roswell. Jesus is reported to have said it was not merely a coincidence.
As he was being led away, Jesus was stopped from shouting his favorite liberal socialist radical terrorist slogan, "Love One Another".
The Evangelical GOP has been trying to do that, and all they get is criticism from the liberals. 'We have endeavored to love one another in men's rooms, in Senate cloakrooms, in our neighbor's homes and in our private vehicles with youth of all ages and sexes, and we are going to love America until it hurts, no matter what radical socialist liberals like Jesus have to say about it from their cages.'
Jesus may be eligible for parole in another thousand years.
love holds the stars in their courses-- Maya Angelou