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Conservatives Discover US Constitution (Satire)

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Thought by some conservatives to have been lost forever, and regarded by others as a myth, Republicans and Tea Party activists have recently rediscovered the United States Constitution. The document, which is housed at the National Archives, was accidentally found by Senator Lindsey Graham (R-GA).

"I had just happened to be ruffling through some old paperwork looking for Barack Obama's birth certificate when I happened to find it," says Graham. "So, I made some photocopies and passed them out in the break room. I don't think anyone's seen it for at least 300 or 400 years."

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Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, expressed hope that this "rediscovery" will help align Congressional Republicans with Democratic initiatives.

"For all these years they've been saying that our whole agenda in unconstitutional. I always thought it was political grandstanding." Mrs. Clinton goes on to say, "I had no idea that the Republicans didn't actually know what exactly the Constitution says or that it even existed."

Reaction from the political right has been mixed as conservatives leaders plot their reaction strategy on what's now being called Constitution-gate.

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House Minority Leader John Boehner has stalled a plan to introduce the Caps for Kids Act, a controversial bill that would require all public schools to provide hand guns to students once they reach the seventh grade.

"I can't believe this," Boehner tells Fox News. "I've always thought the Second Amendment said everyone should have a gun, but the first four words are, "a well regulated militia.' Unbelievable."

An amendment to the bill requiring schools to form militias is currently being drafted.

Other right-wing leaders aren't so quick to change course just because their beliefs and agenda aren't concurrent with constitutional law.

"This changes nothing," Sarah Palin tells her Facebook fans. "Dontcha know all this time I thought the Constitution was a boat in liberal-socialist Boston, but it turns out it's a propaganda pamphlet written by radical leftists in Marxist Philadelphia. My constitution is the Bible, and so is America's. Take that dumb-o-crats!"

Former President George W. Bush agrees. "I mean, it's written all curvy and slantways. No one's going to be able to read this. I sure can't. This whole thing will soon be lost on the Internet's series of tubes and pipes and whatnot."

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Even though knowledge of the Constitution is bound to make little difference in the way politics are played in Washington, President Obama feels good about this recent news.

"Hey, I was a constitutional law professor. I've been telling them this stuff since the campaign. Even if they [conservatives] don't want to follow the letter of the Constitution, I feel good just knowing that they know I'm right."


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Founder of "The Rev. Rob Times," ( Rev. Robert A. Vinciguerra has been a longtime student of journalism. From Phoenix, Arizona.

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