1 And seeing the rabble of the great unwashed useless eaters, the goddess Ayn Rand appeared in her temple that is FOXNEWS, and when she was well-miked, she informed her disciples she had materialized to present a new New Gospel that revised Christ's outdated Sermon on the Mount:
2 and she raised the microphone to her mouth, and rebuked those gathered to hear, saying,
3 Blessed are the rich: for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.
4 Blessed are the too big to fail, for they shall be bailed out.
5 Blessed are the banksters' trust- funded sons and daughters, for they shall inherit all the Earth.
6 Blessed are they which have never known hunger and thirst, for they will be made richer.
7 Blessed are the hedge funder, for they may be called "Mr. President' someday.
8 Blessed are the greediest of heart, for they shall hedge their bets beside God someday.
9 Blessed are the war merchants, for they shall be called the soldiers of God.
10 Blessed are the torturers, for theirs is a righteous repudiation of Nuremberg.
11 Blessed are they who are persecuted for Wall Street's sake, for they will be much rewarded.
12 Rejoice and be unashamed, for great will be your reward, for did not Roosevelt 1 and Roosevelt 2 persecute the robber barons of old?
13 Ye are the richest on Earth, but if thy wealth is not used to achieve even more wealth, wherewith shall it be useful? It is thenceforth good for nothing but to be protected off shore lest it be coveted by the evil forces of the IRS.
14 Ye are the Masters of the Universe, yet your mansions cannot be hid.
15 Neither does any rich man light a candle and put it under a bushel of his cash, but invests in security lamps and cameras and purchases guards to protect all that is alive and accrued inside his mansion.