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Life Arts    H4'ed 1/25/10

Are You Coming or Going?

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You know the old saying about people coming in all shapes and sizes? Agreed. But forget about shapes and sizes. This is not preschool. The operative word here is "coming". People come from different backgrounds, histories and experiences replete with different problems desires and expectations. Especially when it comes to matters concerning sex. Where I draw the line is that many people don't know or are afraid to admit that women can come (as it were) multiple times in a lovemaking session (with the right partner) and there are still men that either don't get this or are not interested in seeing the second (or third, fourth or fifth) coming of anything other than the beer guy at the football stadium.

Conversely, few people address what seems to be an ongoing problem that is increasing in numbers. One of the biggest complaints among women about men is that more and more, men seem to be coming before the party has even begun way too quickly. Time was, men used to apologize for coming on such short notice. What some women wouldn't give for a little more, "better late than never". Now it seems that this "come as you are" little problem is becoming normal and without any form of interest in satisfying women apology. Did I just read that? Yeah. I'm not good at pussyfooting around. Someone has to let the um, cat, out of the bag and I'm feeling a little extra feisty this Monday morning. Ready or not, here I come with another dose of truth.

Many times throughout my life, Sunday mornings used to be about sleeping in, rolling around under the covers and having multiple orgasms rounds of coffee and passionate sex. In between, there would be breaks where we would read the New York Times, eat bagels and cream cheese and maybe make some mimosas before we would pick up similar sounds from the adjacent apartment right where we left off. Time was not of the essence; we thought we had nothing but hours of it to explore and pleasure each other. This was not the dark ages, but it was before political pundits invaded our bedrooms or pre-football shows started airing at 8:00 in the morning.

What has become of us? I know couples who "plan" for sex by putting it into their calendars. Well that makes me feel romantic. I know couples who have sex only about once or twice a year month. I do laundry eat dinner out more often than that and end up feeling far more satisfied. Plus, I get leftovers.

I have married male friends who have not been the recipients of fellatio in years (if not decades) and remain committed to their wives. Some of them are miserable. I know women who haven't gone near their husbands for anything but a signature in months. Is conduct unbecoming limited only to the military? I think not. When it comes to sex and romance, I'm not sure if people know whether they are coming or going.

But, back to the quick draw McGraws who are getting away with having sex in less than two minutes (including the popcorn and foreplay). That this has become acceptable or in some cases the norm, speaks to a bigger problem. Why are men so willing to pay $15 a "pop" for something like Viagra and not get their money's worth? Now that men can hold general erections that last up to four hours it amazes me how many of them still blow their investment in record time. For women, there is often little or no return. I like a straight shooter as much as anyone else but I would prefer that he take me in his arms and pleasure me for a good half hour or more some target practice. I mean, what's the point of taking out the big guns if you are only going to shoot yourself in the foot?

It's not always easy to speak frankly about sex. It's easier to talk about the idea of it without actually putting any of it into motion. That women over fantasize about romance is as much a given as men who get off watching ridiculous porn and believing that this is how sex really ought to be. Can you hear me moan just like that now?

To the ladies I will say this; by nature, men are performance driven and oriented. Sometimes, speed gets in the way of and trumps your satisfaction. It's up to you to gently direct them and take them on detours so they can satisfy you before they cross the finish line. If you accept sex exactly as it is offered without articulating what you want or need, you will end up being resentful when the man doesn't read your mind change his ways. Remember this; men are creatures of habit. That he is an habitual offender may be as much his fault as it is yours.

To the men, I offer these words of wisdom: It's not always about you (even though sometimes it should and can be). Think before you peak. Nobody likes a man who insists on shooting off at the mouth all the time. In fact it is often messy gets old after awhile. And it leaves women feeling as if they were never in the room their satisfaction doesn't really matter to you. Which may explain why some women withhold one of men's greatest pleasures. Think about how much time and effort your woman (or all the women you have known) have used up over the years to give you one of the things that you love best. According to the clock, you are probably behind by at least a couple of months if not more when it comes to reciprocating time and labor. They don't call it a timeshare for nothing.

Don't tell me you didn't see this coming.

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Patricia A. Smith is a writer and artist (and sometimes both at the same time). A former columnist, restaurant critic and cruise line executive, Smith has lived in London, Greece, Denmark, Hungary, Egypt, Costa Rica and France. She returned (more...)
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