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Obituaries of Note

By       Message Leni Matlin     Permalink
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Mr. Noshow was an amateur botanist and struck up a lively conversation with the Nat Geo botanist who was impressed with Meego's collection of flora, insects, and lizards. As to how he came to be there by himself, it was later discovered that when the Japanese contingent was hastily ordered to abandon their post on Boring-Boring and evacuate the island at once, Meego was off in the jungle searching for an unusual butterfly he had glimpsed and missed the last boat out.

When informed that the Japanese Imperial Forces had been defeated, Mr. Noshow attempted hari kari on the spot but was restrained. When he calmed down and was told he would be an instant celebrity and feted as a national hero in Japan, he began to rethink his situation and to forgo performing hari kari. When asked what he would do first upon returning to his native land, he winked and said, "I've been longing for a salty plum for my ginger root."

Though Meego was 90 years old when he was rescued and returned home to Japan, his health remained strong and vigorous, and during his last few years he enjoyed as much salty plum as he wished. He was buried with military honors in his uniform and holding his rifle, which it turned out had not worked for 40 years.  

Hale Norton Newcastle: 95

Inventor of the Electric Chair

Mr. Hale N. Newcastle died yesterday when he stuck a fork in a toaster to extricate a piece of bread and was instantly electrocuted.  

Mtumbo Azakiwi : 42

Last Black Person in Africa Dies from HIV

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Mr. Mtumbo Azakiwi, the last black person in Africa, died this morning from HIV. In a strange and somewhat morbid twist of fate, a cure for the dreaded disease was announced only several hours later. Some are questioning the curious timing of the long sought after cure for AIDS following so quickly on the heels of Mr. Azakiwi's demise and have even gone so far as to declare the linkage between these two events as "highly suspicious" and "warrants an investigation."

However, Franklin Fartsworth - retired 4 star general, former Director of the Pentagon's Biological Warfare Division and now spokesperson for the consortium of pharma companies that discovered the cure and has already patented it - scoffed at any implied correlation and shrugged off such comments as "unfounded and wild accusations." According to Fartsworth, "It is simply a coincidence and a case of dreadfully bad luck for black Africans."  

Madeline "Mata Hari" Epstein: 95

German Spy in WW II

Ms. Madeline Epstein died in an English prison yesterday where she was serving a life sentence for spying for Germany during the Second World War. She was called Mata Hari by British intelligence after the notorious World War I German secret agent who was executed by firing squad for similar espionage activities.

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Epstein was unequaled at seducing men who had information her handlers in the Third Reich wanted. It was reported that once she got a man alone, he was putty in her hands and helpless as a babe. Some claimed all she had to do was look deeply into a man's eyes and by using her occult powers he fell under her spell and became her love slave from that moment on.

It was later learned that while still in her teens, Epstein joined a tantric cult in northern India where she learned the black arts, or as some call it the left-hand path. The Nazis, who from the start were quite keen on employing occult practices and mind control as integral aspects of their overall strategy for world domination, had infiltrated this sect and immediately recognized the young woman's potential in their nefarious schemes. She was also trained in the use of herbs and drugs to overcome any resistance on the part of her targets.

Fluent in seven languages, she was adept at altering her voice and accents and equally adroit at changing her appearance. One day she was an ex-pat Russian princess, the next a prim and proper English interpreter who would then overnight magically metamorphose into a middle aged Italian countess, all of which made it virtually impossible to keep track of her.

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Leni Matlin was born in NYC and attended Brooklyn College before moving to California in his twenties. For the better part of his adult life, he has worked as a musician (keyboards / vocals) and played in more bands then he can remember, while (more...)

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