Destroy After Reading
Rummy: If the Iraq war continues to go south on us, we're going to need some good news to balance that out before the voters, you know, vote.
I'm thinking of cutting our losses and reporting that we've killed Osama. He's served our purposes well, but the polls are way down and we need something spectacular to give us a boost for November -- an "October surprise," I think they call it.
Karl and Dick and I think that the reported death of Osama (might as well put his lieutenant, Zawahiri, into the report at the same time) would be big enough to wipe out all the bad feelings Americans have about the goddamn war, and would probably put us over the top in November -- along with a little help from our vote-counting friends, of course.
So get back to me ASAP with an operational plan for how this little scenario can work. And no Pentagon fuckups this time, Donny Boy.
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RUSH LIMBAUGH'S PHONE CALL
(Excertps from phone call from Limbaugh to Bill O'Reilly, NSA intercept.)
O'Reilly: Yeah, I heard about the bust at the West Palm Beach airport. Got you with your Viagra stash. That must have been a major bummer, Big Man.
Limbaugh: You have no idea how embarrassing this is. Well, actually, Mr. Loofah, maybe you would have some idea about that. Not only am I the butt of constant jokes on late-night TV about my little problem -- whoops!, I didn't mean it to come out that way -- but another trip to the hidden, delightful pleasures of Santa Domingo is probably out of the question for quite some time. The Dominicans are so much fun and eager to please.
Listen, Bill, I'm taking a beating out here, and am even losing some dittoheads from my once-stable fan club. So if you can take a swipe at some of those critics who are bashing me -- you know, "it's just a political witch-hunt, folks, the liberals piling on a respected conservative commentator," that sort of thing -- I'd be most appreciative.
O'Reilly: No problem, Rush. It's simply unfair what they're doing to you. If we had done the same thing to Gary Hart and Bill Clinton and Henry Sisneros about their personal peccadillos, they'd have shouted bloody murder, you can bet your life on that. Whoops! We did do that. Forget it. But you could do me a favor, Rush.
Limbaugh: Sure thing, Loofah. What's your pleasure?
O'Reilly: I think your Oxy maid is cute, and probably kinky with the right guy. Could you, you know, fix me up with her? #
Bernard Weiner, a playwright and poet, has written many ##satires and fantasias about political figures ( www.crisispapers.org/weinerpubs.htm ). A Ph.D. in government & international relations, he has taught at various universities, worked as a writer-editor for the San Francisco Chronicle, and currently co-edits The Crisis Papers (www.crisispapers.org). For comments: >> crisispapers@comcast.net
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