I instantly began to wonder what the hell my sex life had to do with my back pain. Did he think I was having sex while swinging upside down from a chandelier?
Years later I found out that just as I suspected, my back pain had nothing to do with sex, but was the beginning of arthritis and tension, depending on which part of my back is screeching at me at any given time.
Here come the fun part and the final creep show revelation in this misadventure.
At last he popped the request.
"Please take off your underwear while I leave the room, and I'll be back in a minute when you're ready for your pelvic exam," Dr. Sven said just as coolly and off-handedly as could be.
It all came together. The creepy office. The creepier doctor. The creepiest request.
I snapped.
"Who the f*ck do you think you are? The spread 'em doctor? What the hell do my most private female parts have to do with a backache? What the hell part of your body were you planning on using for the exam? How many gullible, vulernable women have you con into this bullshit?
"Get the hell out of my sight! Get out of this room! I'm going to put on my jeans and shirt and I'm OUT OF HERE WITH MY CHECKBOOK IN TACT and if you try to stop me I'll SCREAM the walls down."
He actually seemed surprised.
"Well if you're not happy," he said, and he left the room.
"Not happy? you miserable schmuck," I mumbled under my breath as I dressed and left the office kicking up more smoke and dust than the Road Runner.
Laugh. Go ahead. I laugh about it myself...now.
Stupidly, after bitching to Zelig about the horrifying visit to his friend, I continued seeking medical care from Harry "Machiaborgia" Zelig.
Over the course of the next eighteen months I noticed Zelig's personality was changing, and not to the good.
On my last visit to him he accused me of snorting coke because my sinuses were so inflamed from allergies and...he wanted to do a pelvic exam. I threw him out of the room and never looked back.
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