The fall of 1995 was fraught with uncertainty as my left hand slowly lost it's dexterity and eventually failed all fine motor coordination tests, rendering this aspiring pianist (and lefty) unable to perform, write or type. A diagnosis of brain cancer in December would make strange sense of the madness and seal the deal that - perhaps only for now - my dreams must be put on hold.
I could spend paragraphs upon paragraphs about what it felt like to be a young adult with cancer whose invincible life came tumbling down in an instant. Two words, however, can sum up the experience: isolation and resilience. No fear. Perhaps blind ignorance and deft denial served their purpose but, in the end, how dare this get in the way of my dreams? I have a life to live and damned if I let this stop me. The pianist who couldn't play and the college senior who couldn't graduate was determined to see through this uncertain future.
"When am I going to die," I asked the doctor.
Or is this death?
There is a price to pay for surviving anything traumatic, medical or otherwise. Few, if any escape unscathed. That seems to be human nature. So, how do we cope in the aftermath when subtle - or not so subtle - reminders consistently influence and compromise closure, or the illusion thereof? For me, I had the mixed blessing benefit of being told that my life in the wake of my cancer diagnosis may not be a bed of roses given the intensity of the post operative treatments barraged upon my body for 33 torturous sessions of excessively high dose craniospinal radiation (5940cg).
Right off the bat, upon completion of treatment, I had lost a remarkable 110lbs in less than three months. After throwing up 5-10 times per day nonstop for that entire period, I had eroded the lining of my esophageous (antiemitics were of modest help), inducing a permanent physiological and neurological dysphagia (swallow disorder). My saliva glands were decimated (and, to date, only operate at 70%) leaving me with a chronic xerostomia (dry mouth) I was left virtually infertile, my testicles and sperm production ceasing to function correctly. My brain, eyes, ears, glands, spine, heart, lungs, liver, kidneys and primary chest organs now all faced a potentially compromised future of chronic illness, physiological deficit and, even more scarily, a near certain and unpreventable secondary recurrence of cancer as a direct result of my treatment within 10 to 20 years.
Needless to say, I may have survived, but only in the loosest sense of the word for the "therapy" prescribed to save my life, nearly ended it back then and may be the causal eventuality of a life cut short before it's natural time.
I presently live. That's what I do. As best I can.
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