Step 4: Expose Your People to Stewardship Testimonies. (Meaning: Put pastoral ass kissing members up before the congregation to assure them that it works because they gave until it hurt, and darn if God didn't ordain them a deacon or elder soon after.)
• Learn what the Bible really says about public giving testimonies and how you can unleash their enormous power during your stewardship series. (Meaning: I don't know what this means, but I don't find any public "tithing worked for me, it can work for you" testimonies in the Bible. There is a story of a couple who did not give 100 percent to the Church and Peter smote them dead but that never really happened. Great motivator as it says "Great fear came upon all the Churches," but it is a parody about Peter a man who said he'd never leave Jesus and did, killing a couple who said they'd give all and didn't. You can't expect the congregation to understand the subtle messages of the book of Acts.)
• Let the testimonies of faithful givers practically deliver the messages for you. (Meaning: You really don't have to do the work. Let the kiss ass members of your choosing do it for you. You won't have to feel bad for pushing people to give what they have not got, and your KA members can feel like they are converting the masses themselves.)
• Use a sample stewardship testimony guide to help your people prepare theirs. (Meaning: Be sure to prompt the KA member to use tried and true phrases and stories that pull at the emotions and generate the proper fear, guilt and shame. Why reinvent the wheel? Use the tried and true to be sure the spontaneous and sincere testimonies of the member are right on the money.)
Step 5: Ask for a 10 Percent Commitment. (Meaning: Again, forget the "give as you are able" concept.)
• Learn a method of asking for a generous giving commitment from your people that will move them to increase their giving ten-fold, overnight. (Meaning: Method is everything in fleecing the flock. We want this generous and spontaneous Holy Spirit led giving to start by next Sunday at the latest.)
• Learn how to offer a money-back guarantee that captures imagination and galvanizes giving. (Meaning: OMG...did he say "money-back guarantee?" What am a buying, a washing machine? Can I get an extended warranty?)
• Use a sample commitment card you can personalize to collect your people's increased giving commitments. (Meaning: Keep track of what they give. This information will be useful to you in promoting your KA members and weeding out the losers. Don't let the government be the only one who understands the benefits of keeping track of what your members are giving and to whom.)
Step 6: Send Follow-up Letters to New Givers. (Meaning: People poop out on giving quickly once they realize they have been had their imaginations "captured" and their giving "galvanized." You will have to keep them motivated as the emotions you whip up in sermons fade when their emotional chemistry returns to normal about an hour after the sermon.)
• Personalize and distribute pre-written, sample follow-up letters to reinforce your people's new giving commitments. (Meaning: Make form letters look personal and keep their back to the wall on this. They promised to give, and damn it, give they will.)
Step 7: Pray For Your New Givers. (Meaning: Since we have covered the Pay part of being a good member of your congregation, we now must turn to the Pray part. Actually there are four parts to an obedient and compliant congregation... Pay-Pray-Obey and Stay. These four are implied in Pay and Pray, so do not bring them up in this way. We don't have to tell them everything we discuss at ministerial conferences.)
• Tap into the power of believing prayer to bring God's blessing on your people as they launch out into new giving territory. (Meaning: Tell them over and over there really is power in prayer, even if they loose their jobs, can't pay for gas or food because of giving too much to the church after this series of once a year sermons.)
Step 8: Distribute Frequent Giving Records. (Meaning: Here comes the fear, guilt and shame aspect of effective giving.)
• Use a simple and easy method to provide non-threatening accountability and encouragement to keep people giving generously throughout the year. (Meaning: make them feel accountability for what you talked them into doing. "Encouragement" here means "follow-up," and pushing the Sheeple ever closer to the Sheerers. Remind them that they might feel shorn from time to time, but fleece grows back for a purpose and to get used to it. Again, make them feel accountable to give what they have not got, did not intend to give before you shamed them and do not really want to give but your follow up is so darn intimidating.)
Step 9: Use Estimates of Giving at Budget Time. (Meaning: Make them give you an idea of the total they will be giving so you can plan to spend more than you have for things the church did not ask for and does not need to be or do. After all, this is all about the minister and how well he grows his church to justify his pay and time for the money they church spends on him and his family. Don't ever let them figure out that a minister can be paid to make work and meaning for himself and poop out the congregation doing it.)
• Unleash the power of estimates of giving at budget time to increase giving. (Meaning: Use the word "Unleash" often. It makes them feel like there is somekind of special power in them that even Superman would be jealous of. "Unleash" is a power word that will at least get them started. If that doesn't work, then you might have to go back to "galvanizing" them, until they can properly unleash.)
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