"Yeah," said the Tesoro rep sarcastically, "while we've been reaping enough excessive profits to build a water park at every one of our executives' McMansions. I'm afraid the American people after 13 years have finally caught on to that scam."
"If not Iraq and Afghanistan," how about a new war? We invade Switzerland," the ConocoPhillips rep suggested, "and claim we're protecting the world from weapons of mass Swiss Army Knives. Every Republican and a few Democrats will back us on that."
"It only works if there's oil in Switzerland," said the Shell rep, "and since we haven't developed the technology to frack the Matterhorn, we'll have to find another reason to raise gas prices."
The BP rep suggested that the oil companies claim gas price increases were necessary because the price of Dawn detergent, used to clean oil-slicked marine mammals, went up.
The Chevron rep said they could blame the Treasury Department for their underhanded tactics in locating the companies' tax-free stash in the Caymans. "How could anyone complain about us needing more income to pay our lawyers?" she declared.
The Valero rep wanted to blame the Veterans Administration. "We say we had to wait so long to get permission to raise gas prices that we had to do it ourselves," he brightly said, and tagged that suggestion with the explanation that the companies could then claim they were being self-sufficient and not dependent upon the government. "The conservatives will love us," he righteously declared.
After a few moments of idle chatter, something committees have perfected, the Exxon Mobil rep spoke up. "We don't need an excuse."
"You been inhaling too many fumes?" the Shell rep asked.
"Slip on a grease spot in one of your garages?" asked the Murphy Oil rep.
"We've always had an excuse," the Shell rep whined. "Without an excuse, the motorist might not buy our gas."
"Oh, they'll buy," said the Exxon Mobil rep confidently. "We've bought out and eliminated most of the alternative fuel sources, public transportation is in the pits, and no one walks. That leaves cars, and they all run on what we decide they run on."
"So what's your point?" asked the BP representative.
"It's as simple as 1-2-3," the Exxon representative stated. "One. We're Big Business. Two. We've already bought the Republican-controlled Congress. Three. We don't need to justify anything."
By unanimous agreement, the gas bag cartel declared there would be a 10-cent a gallon hike by the end of Summer--and no excuse.
[Dr. Brasch's latest books are the critically-acclaimed Before the First Snow, a journalistic novel; and Fracking Pennsylvania, an in-depth investigation of the health, environmental, economic, and political effects of horizontal fracturing.]
(Note: You can view every article as one long page if you sign up as an Advocate Member, or higher).
2
1
1
