12. A ban on high-fructose corn syrup. This cheap "poison" (lawyers made me insert the quote marks) is hard to find in the rest of the civilized world for a variety of reasons, which might be why nearly all of these countries have lower diabetes rates than the United States.
13. Anyone caught using their mobile device inside a movie theater will be subjected to enhanced "rectal rehydration" (thank you, CIA, for that suggestion!).
14. When in doubt, do what the Canadians do: a near-ban on handguns and semi-automatic weapons. An eight-week election season. A return to the paper ballot. No pharmaceutical ads on TV. Strict banking and financial regulations. A refusal to eliminate civil liberties after the terrorists attack. Trade with Cuba. And reduce the number of downs in football to three.
15. All schools will return to teaching civics class. (Most schools these days don't.) If young people are going to vote at 16, they should know how it all works and what they can do to rock the vote -- or the boat.
16. A moment of Zen: All students shall learn cursive writing. Don't take away the one thing that we can all do that is unique to each of us. It's our creative fingerprint. We are not machines. To write longhand allows our soul to find its way out and be seen as ours and only ours. The world is a cold and harsh enough place as it is. Why take this little personal human piece away from us? Who doesn't like getting a handwritten note?
17. We will not back theocracies. You know who you are. Stop it, and stop your harmful, inhuman ways. And we can start with ourselves. After 35 years of having to follow laws instigated by the Christian right in this country, I've had it. To do my part, as president, I will gay-marry anyone who wants to get married.
18. All Americans shall have a mandatory four-week paid vacation. (Note to employers: I will send you the studies that show such laws increase productivity. People do better work when happy and rested.)
19. Prisons will not be owned or run by private corporations; they will be run by the public for its own safety. They will no longer be used as places of punishment but rather as training and rehab centers. They will not exist to incarcerate the races or ethnic groups who have no power. Nonviolent people will not be locked up. If they have stolen, they will make restitution. Yes, that means you, corporate criminals.
20. As Americans, we will seek to be kind -- to each other, to the world, and to ourselves. As the president, I will be the first to set that example. I will place education and enlightenment at the top of every agenda, and the elimination of ignorance as my worthy goal. Ignorance leads to fear, fear leads to hate, and hate leads to violence. That has been the American equation for too long. The road to its end begins with my election.
Now let's go watch some Canadian football on HBO.
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