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13 Year Old Girl Raped Gun Point Now Faces Trial (Satire)

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Suzzie Marshall, a 13 year old freshman from Mount Bermsher, Arizona was charged earlier today with conspiracy to commit waste of finite, prosecutors say. Waste of finite laws were designed to deter citizens from purposefully wasting limited resources.

Marshall was walking home from school on Monday late at night when she was sexually assaulted at gunpoint by Lee Jersson, a 33 year old local mechanic. Jersson, who has prior convictions for drug trafficking and assault, has not yet been charged with a crime.

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"He showed her his gun, grabbed her, and pulled her into his van," says Dr. Laura Shoemaker, a physician at St. Mercy Hospital, where Marshall was rushed after she was found tied up in a dumpster.

"The victim has suffered extensive vaginal tearing and bruising," Shoemaker said. "Because the victim was also vaginally penetrated with a vehicle anti-theft device, 'The Club,' she may have lost the ability to reproduce."

While in the hospital Janet Marshall, the victim's mother, filed a police report on behalf of her semi-conscious daughter, fully expecting local law enforcement officials to arrest and detain Jersson.

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"I was shocked when I learned that charges were being pressed against my daughter," said a sobbing Janet Marshall when she learned about the charge of 'waste of finite' being placed against her daughter.

"Suzzie Marshall is not the victim in this situation," said Mount Bermsher Mayor G.O. Palmer as he made an address on local TV news station KPOH 16. "We, the tax payers are the victims of Ms. Marshall's actions."

Mayor Palmer then went on to say, "Had Ms. Marshall been carrying a firearm would this have happened? No. Has Ms. Marshall stayed home from school that day would this have happened? No. Should we be expected to pick up the bill every time a thirteen year old girl gets raped because she can't defend herself? I say no more government handouts. To Suzzie Marshall and her family I have the following piece of advice: 'The government isn't a crutch. You need to quit using it as one.'"

Mayor Palmer's office is seeking the maximum punishment against Marshall for "reckless" 'waste of finite.'

Ever since Palmer and the NRA backed Ultra-Conservative party came to power in Mount Bermsher, citizens have come to expect nothing from their government, not even the arrest of those who commit rape.

The gun used by Jersson was a Heckler and Koch MP5, purchased legally at a gun show through a private dealer. Because private collectors are not required to perform background checks when selling firearms at gun shows, Jersson's purchase was legal, although his previous felony convictions would have prevented him from purchasing a gun through any other legal means.
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Founder of "The Rev. Rob Times," ( Rev. Robert A. Vinciguerra has been a longtime student of journalism. From Phoenix, Arizona.

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