Diary: "Have a Very Merry Penis!" Forget the turkey and the trimmings - the best of holiday email Spam

"Have a Very Merry Penis! And May all Your Dreams Come True!..." Forget the turkey and the trimmings - the best of holiday email Spam.

No Christmas would be complete without the wonderful barrage of gift offerings and appeals in the form of email Spam. And in the true spirit of Christmas, I feel rather fortunate to receive so many good tidings and promises of better things to come. But this holiday weekend, I received an especially festive, warm and fuzzy appeal. Somehow, this stocking stuffer was not quarantined through my Spam filter, and for that, I am most grateful. For across my screen in stiff caps were the heartwarming and tear jerking words,

"Is your penis handicapped?"

Ahh. Ye ole handicapped penis. And just in time for Christmas!

Perhaps more moving than the wee verbiage, was the actual cartoon image that accompanied the one question that all mankind has been asking over the millennia, or since Adam laid eyes on Eve...

or Eve laid eyes on Adam.

Problem is, of all the moving questions that have been weighing heavily upon me, the plight of Crippled Penis Syndrome or CPS (sometimes referred to as Tired Penis Syndrome- TPS, Exhausted Penis Syndrome- EPS, or Pooped Penis Syndrome- PPS, and in severe cases, Bushed Penis Syndrome- BPS -- see RLS for details), is not one of them. Even one this cute.

For while the question implied the possibility of morose complication, it found the strength of the holiday season to pull from the very depths of its sorrow, and in a fine celebratory spurt of genius, the colorful Disneyesque image of a sad, flaccid penis in a wheelchair, its head tucked snuggly in red Santa cap and donning ample shiny bells, sat staring at me from across my screen...sans words, yet seemingly pleading, reaching out to me as a single tear dribbled down its face,

"can you help a poor penis like me, gov?"

Ahh. Ye ole handicapped-penis-with-the-teary-eye-in-a-wheelchair-donning-festive-cap-and-jingle-balls-pleading-for-my-hard-earned-dollars ploy... And just in time for Christmas!

Well this time Santa or Scrooge, or whoever plops a wonky penis wearing jingle bells in a wheelchair, got the wrong email address.

One: I'm a woman.
Two: I'm a single woman - a SINK, if you will (single-income-no-kids)
Three: I'm not a hermaphrodite.
Four: Therefore, I do not have a penis.
Five: Henceforth, my penis is not handicapped, or pooped.

And while I am the biggest bleeding heart on the planet, and get all misty eyed over a penis in a Santa hat, and mostly, in true goodwill toward men, would like to save all broken penises around the globe, or at the very least, buy wheelchairs for all, or even less than that, don each and every one in a festive snug cap, I have no coinage left to drop into your empty gruel bowl.

For you see, wee Willy Wonka, your pill-hawking for an energized Burl Ives lost out to an extraordinarily heavy set woman who shed 87 pounds in two weeks, beating you to the punch, kind sir.

And in the true spirit of Christmas, and just three days before your elfin pleas for help, she came across my screen promising that my life, too, could be salvaged from the depths of excess poundage while feasting on all the fatty foods I craved, even chocolate and fries, or chocolate dipped fries, my lord! And lo and behold, I could still lose weight without so much as lifting a finger - other than to my mouth and back to plate! And so, the last of my holiday "pocket" went to the miracle weight loss diet, which saved the life of the once doomed and ample woman, and promises to salvage mine too, for just $34.95 a month, plus a free week of snacks!

Ahh. The spirit of holiday giving.

P.S. I wish for all of you suffering from PPS, that come this time next year, you will be standing tall and proud, still sporting cap, mind you, but with broad smile and sans your Tiny Tim crutch.

P.P.S. No penises were harmed during this diary entry.

P.P.P.S. No deliberate attempts at being politically incorrect were made as the email message, "is your penis handicapped?" and the accompanying cartoon image, really did cross my screen.

Happy Holidays, everyone.