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Foolproof Analytical Prognostication

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I do not claim to be some kind of Nostradamus or Sherlock Holmes, but I do pride myself on my analytical skills. I also believe that most people who exercise critical thinking would be perfectly able to put two and two together under certain circumstances and come to similar conclusions.

As a patriot I'm sure most people would agree that the safety and security of the American people and our nation are of the utmost importance. To that end I believe I have discovered a foolproof way to determine, if, where, maybe close to a general time frame, and possibly how, America could be attacked if an attack against us was being planned.

It is really so simple I'm surprised no one has thought of it sooner.

Furthermore, it is a method so brilliant and in depth that it can narrow the scope of our threat analysis and most likely pinpoint with terrifying certainty precisely what may happen and where.

Let's just say for argument sake that the threat is an infestation of genetically modified carnivorous killer squirrels. The specifics make little difference, the method itself is what's important and it works in a broad sense.

What we do is build an analytic model using members of the United States Senate, the top ten most prominent corporate CEOs, especially of Goldman Sachs and the Chairman of the Federal Reserve. We add Dick Cheney, the Bush family, Nancy Pelosi, the Clintons and Rupert Murdoch.

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Then what we do is monitor their financial transactions, stock market activity and what real estate they buy and sell. If we pay close attention we would probably see a pattern revealing similar stock portfolio activity and similar real estate sales, especially in particular geographic regions or cities, indicating which of those areas are most vulnerable. But that's not all; those are just some relevant indicators.

Even more telling, the lynchpin of the method, would be to chart which of their properties in certain urban areas, like, say, New York City, that they purchase new insurance policies for, have ridiculously outlandish payoffs on claims. We can then analyze those insurance contracts and in addition to the standard fire, flood, etc., single out the policies that have riders that specifically include, for example, triple payoffs for total destruction or significant loss of business or diminished profits due to something that could only occur with odds of one in, say, fifty billion, like, using our example, infestation of genetically modified carnivorous killer squirrels.

Then we can use that information to prevent the devastating "infestation of genetically modified carnivorous killer squirrels" and initiate an investigation to uncover the masterminds of this diabolical plan, so that we can blame, like, France, while tying their evil plan to someplace we can get away with bombing, like Syria or some other small defenseless country. If done right it could even be a country that has something we need.

But again, the details and what we do with that information are largely irrelevant; it's the method that's foolproof.


Frank Silva speaks truth to power. A recovering Catholic, he is a member of his own Church, The Seventh-Day Pagans of the Church of the Latter Day Heathens. He is a former high school teacher with a Master's Degree from a University that cost (more...)

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