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Citizen Troublemaker: "Where's My Bonus?"

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Daytimes, my friend Bob Citizen teaches youngsters Political Science, Ethics, and Hygiene. (He claims they're related, or should be.) At night he travels wherever he must to blow saxophone in jazz gigs, hoping to catch up with the balloon payments on his mortgage, which is threatened with foreclosure, as well as to keep his canine companion, Jefferson, in biscuit bones.

An irredeemable idealist, Bob got upset upon learning of the second round of bonuses to executives of AIG, and penned a brief letter to President Obama, in its entirety asking: "Where is MY bonus?"

The reply to his letter follows.

Dear Mr. Citizen,

President Obama -- currently tied up with the proposal for incentive bonuses to senators -- has forwarded your letter to me for reply.

Of course we (tee hee hee!) take your issue seriously. By the way, that's a neat name you got there, and I just love the pooch's name -- where did it come from?

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Anyway, the answer to your question is quite straightforward, as you'll learn below.

Eligibility for the federal larcen...uh...bonus plan rests upon two major pillars, and you have not met the requirements of either, i.e.: you are simply (a) not rich enough, and (b) far too honest. These inadequacies give you a total score of Plus 9.394 Points. (Understand that in this system Plus is unfavorable, whereas Minus is favorable. Should you have trouble understanding why we do it this way, just ask any lawyer.)

Now, it gets better -- no, no, I mean worse: Your listed occupation: "Teacher, damn fine sax-man, moral example to the youth, and Daddy to Jefferson," is simply too decent; well, you know, it just finds no place in the parameters of reimbursable value-added characteristics or -- oh whatever, you know what I mean.

You need something more solid like, well, Bankster. Or hey, again, Lawyer. Mafia Capo would be good. And we're currently working on a proposal, highly confident that it will be approved for reasons no doubt obvious even to you, to add Congressmen to the eligibility list. (Admittedly, it might favor their case if they stopped screwing around with that socialistic medical tomfoolery and laid on a bit more of that "war on terror" stuff, and spice it up with some more of the "Freedom's On the March!" pitch.) Anyway, your admitted occupation nets you another Plus 10.872 Points, i.e.: unfavorable.

Now, worst of all, in the BONUS POINT category, you get Plus 11.181 Points (that's bad) for your disingenuous Positive Attitude and All-Around Solid Citizenship, which (I need to keep reminding you) is also bad in that it puts our eligible awardees at a perceived disadvantage. Some may consider that good, but, well again, you know how the government works, except of course when it goes into "closed session" only to protect the citizens and to preserve democracy and such.

Now let's see...hmmm...(damned calculator!)...Oh, yes: your total positive (bad) score is...exactly...well, as close as we can make out: Plus 31.387 Points, which is abysmally unfavorable, perhaps a record for ineligibility in this federal incentive program.

There it is, Citizen. I hope this clears up the mystery, to you that is; we already had it figured out under the regime of our dear departed (just from office, not from his influence or our hearts, don't you know) His Excellency Bushido Banzai, may He never rest in His endeavor regardless of history's verdict. The current administration -- despite the difference in partisan labeling -- is simply perpetuating His grand design.

Ta-Ta! Must run now to lay out some more cash incentives, protect the Homeland, spread some Democracy, and -- Goodness -- I'm running late for the closed session at The One and Onliest True Faith Church!


Buhl Shifter, JD (Federal Department of Truth Management)

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Rafe Pilgrim, after "a life largely wasted on hard honest work," found himself a jungle of turkey oak, scrub pine and giant palmettos up a dirt road running east of Crystal River, Florida, which neither school busses nor the U.S. Postal Service dare (more...)

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I too would fail miserably even though my occupati... by Miriam Callaghan on Saturday, Feb 6, 2010 at 1:37:36 PM