22 Ways to be a Good Republican

2. You have to believe that governments create poverty, and that it is businesses that build all the roads and bridges, pay our troops, and for all our embassies, and emergency services, and that outsourcing jobs and factories is good for the economy, because when everyone in the country is poor, they can all shop at Wal Mart, so that the CEOs can build walled and gated castles made out of all the millions of 100 dollar bills they get paid for closing down more factories, and outsourcing jobs, and making the stock price go up, so they can cash in their stock options before the company goes bankrupt.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of homicidal maniacs is a God given constitutionally-protected right, and that anyone who goes on a shooting rampage is just exercising their right to bear arms, and that depleted uranium that is used in our bombs and missiles and anti-tank weapons and is the most toxic substance known to man, with a half-life of 4.5 BILLION years, and causes sickness and birth defects in our troops and in the local civilian populations, long after the conflict is "over," are not weapons of mass destruction, and are far less of a threat than Iran (which hasn't invaded or gone to war with anyone for 200 years, except for defending itself against an attack by Iraq under Saddam Hussein, who used chemical weapons against Iranian civilians, supplied and paid for courtesy of a Republican president), and that China is a model of human rights, and so we can trade with them, but that Fidel Castro of Cuba is the worst violator of human rights on the planet, and that we have to boycott Cuba until he dies, when Wal Mart and MacDonald's can take over the country and the people of Cuba can overpay for health care, like all good Americans do, instead of getting it for free.

4. You have to believe that any art other than Norman Rockwell, is un-American, and should therefore never receive federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global warming is a left-wing liberal conspiracy dreamed up to try to prevent Americans from having their God-given right to use up 25% of the world's resources, and 40% of the world's oil production, when we only have 2% of the world's population, and even worse, to prevent us from driving our (9 mpg) Hummers to the supermarket.

6. You have to believe that genetically modified corn and soy is perfectly natural, but that being homosexual is unnatural.

7 . You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of sexual abstinence education to schoolchildren.

8. You have to believe that paying teachers the lowest salaries and benefits of all the major industrialized countries in the world, will somehow get us get better teachers.

9. You have to believe that hunters really love the animals that they go out and kill for "sport". And that the lead left behind from the discarded shotgun cartridge pellets in the countryside is good for the environment, and helps preserve "Nature".

10. You have to believe that low self-esteem amongst the poor, blacks, Latinos and welfare recipients is merely due to their lack of positive thinking, not their lack of money or opportunity.

11. You have to believe that Charleton Heston really was Moses, and commanded us to use guns.

12. You have to believe the ACLU is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the NRA is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too high, but ATM fees are not high enough for the banks to make a decent profit.

14. You have to believe that President Hoover, President Reagan and George W. Bush are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, FDR, and JFK! 

15. You have to believe that equality of opportunity for poor minorities to attend college, who would otherwise be unable to do so, is discrimination against rich white kids.

16. You have to believe that George W. Bush is secretly very intelligent and articulate, and is a very great president, who's enhanced this country's standing in the world.

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