1. I've dated beauty queens, therefore I'm an authority on intelligence and natural selection.
2. I have even surfed big waves. I'm sure to qualify as a hydrologist or dam (sic) engineer.
3. I could even be a dictator. At least as good as our current Dick Tator, aka Mr. Potato Head, Richard Cheney. (If it weren't for his pacemaker he'd be a vegetable too.)
4. I can turn on a light switch. I have confidence to be an authority on power plays.
5. I've killed and eaten rattlesnakes. Dealing with Vladimir Putin would be cake. He don't even have fangs.
6. I can brush my teeth and even go to the bathroom by myself. Being a bioweapons expert would be microbial in comparison.
7. I've been very unsuccessful at business. As a top executive I could run the country even further into the ground than our current CEO. It's a no brainer job. Having one is evidently a disqualification.
8. I am very good at reading between the lines. With all that experience in dealing with space, I think I'm more than qualified to be an astronaut.
9. I've shot guns of all calibers. Heck, I can press a button and shoot off a missile just as easily as shooting off my mouth or pulling a nuclear trigger.
10. I'm an authority on money, credit, and cash flow because I have wallet. Managing the economy of a country is just a matter of deception.
11. I have a lot of friends no one else can see or hear. Therefore, I'm more than qualified at foreign correspondence.
12. The glasses I wear help me with vision. I can even see into the future. Not to mention being an expert at surveillance.
13. You can fool me once, you can fool me, uh... with that kinda background I can be a world class fool.
14. I've had square offices and round ones. I can run an oval office just as easy. It's just plane geometry after all.
15. I know how to pop blisters and put on bandaids. Surgical strikes are just bigger blowups and coverups.
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