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Humor: Obama Has His Favored Criminals

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Headlined to H3 7/8/09

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Humor from Sherwood Ross

OBAMA LIGHTS UP ANOTHER ONE

"We can only give you a couple of minutes with the President, so make your points quickly," his aide said opening the door to the Oval Office, where I instantly felt the full force of the smile that has charmed the world.

"As you know, Mister President, my client Alphonse Capone is in the Federal prison in Joliet, Illinois-"

"For shipping cigarettes into Illinois without paying Federal and State taxes," the president interjected. "See, I've read his case. A six million dollar swindle."

"Right. But he was born into a Mafia family. He grew up in an organized crime culture. As a boy he was forced to sit through the entire 'Godfather' trilogy every year on St. Valentine's Day."

"Your point being-"

"He was programmed to do his job. He didn't know it was wrong. He was only following orders."

The President shook his head. "If you're going to ask me to release him on that basis, forget it. No can do. If I were to release every Mafioso who said he was taking orders from higher-ups half the prison cells in America would be empty and their guards would be out of jobs, and this is a bad time for that."

"Look," I persisted. "There are lots of poor people, smokers that can't afford to buy cigarettes any longer, who, thanks to my client, could light up and relax. You know yourself how it is to want to smoke."

"It's a terrible addiction," he said, suddenly reaching for a Nicorette. I felt I was making progress.

"Who did my client hurt, really?" I persisted. "The smokers that bought his cigarettes had freedom of choice."

"So?"

"Alphonse had to undertake the covert smuggling action to help the poor and the underprivileged---just the kinds of people you helped in Chicago---and he did. It's not as though he hurt anyone. He never slammed anybody's head into a wall."

Putting his finger on the file, the President said, "He cussed out an Illinois State trooper."

"But he never covered anybody with caterpillars or waterboarded them."

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Sherwood Ross worked as a reporter for the Chicago Daily News and contributed a regular "Workplace" column for Reuters. He has contributed to national magazines and hosted a talk show on WOL, Washington, D.C. In the Sixties he was active as public (more...)
 
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