A desperate McCain campaign has decided that unfounded accusations of 'Socialist' and 'Terrorist' aren't sensational enough to close the gap between McCain and Obama so they have decided to up the ante.
According to McCain campaign Operations Chief Steve Schmidt, McCain and Palin are getting ready to unveil a narrative that accuses Obama of being a time traveling Martian that made stops in 1880's London to commit crimes as 'Jack the Ripper'. In more modern times the 'Obama martian' is to be accused of chasing and attempting to murder the Warner Brothers cartoon hero Bugs Bunny.
Campaign manager Richard H. Davis has said that a planned commercial featuring Bugs Bunny fingering Obama as the Martian is running into problems, mostly due to personality conflicts between Bugs and campaign principals McCain and Palin. Bugs immediately took to calling McCain 'Elmer' and after some additional taunts, McCain's face turned red and he started chasing Mr. Bunny around the set, shouting "Oooh, I'm going to kill that !@#$ing scwewy Wabbit!".
The hare was eventually coaxed into returning to the set with copious amounts of raw carrots but work on the commercial broke down again when Sarah Palin arrived on the scene and tried chatting up the jovial bunny. Palin overheard Bugs speaking to the director about not wanting to be in the same scene with a 'Maroon' like her and the Vice Presidential candidate whipped out a double barrelled shotgun and started shooting. McCain also pulled out a gun and mayhem ensued. Somehow, Bugs maneuvered himself between the running mates and then ducked, inducing McCain and Palin to shoot each other in the leg. Vice President Cheney was quoted as remarking "If you are going to shoot your friend or running mate, you should be serious about it and shoot them in the face".
Campaign spokesperson Tim Pawlenty has said that the commercial may need to be cancelled as after the shooting incident, Bugs left the studio and was last heard saying "This time, I'm REALLY going to take that left at Albaquerque" before ducking into a nearby rabbit hole.
If the Ripper/Martian storyline doesn't stick, the McCain campaign is readying a number of other lines of attack it hopes will turn people away from voting Obama. On the drawing board are:
- Accusations that Obama is responsible for the sack of Rome by the Visigoths
- Implications that Obama caused the volcanic eruption in Lake Toba in 73000 BC that scientists believe eradicated 60% of the human population. McCain and his top advisors like the shock value of this accusation but Palin objects to it as she believes that the suggested date of the catastrophe is 68000 years before the earth was created and 68000 years and 7 days before the dinosaurs and man appeared. "I KNOW dinosaurs and man were on earth at the same time!" pleaded Palin, "Just look at the Flintstones and their pet Dino!"
Finally, if none of the above work, the campaign is prepared to pull the GOP scientists who have been denying global warming to write a proof that shows that Obama is responsible for the emergence of antibiotic resistant bacteria.
"Just imagine how many people those bacteria have hurt and killed" Said former McCain economic advisor Phil Gramm, "If we can tie Obama to the evolution of those bacteria, the 'whiners' out there in America will never vote for him!"
When asked for a comment on the McCain campaign's plans, Obama campaign spokesperson David Axelrod said "We're just amazed by the depths to which McCain will go in his desperation. They're not even settling for throwing the kitchen sink, everything else in the kitchen, or this time period, planet, or the realm of complex organisms. McCain countered, "Look, I'm not going to go negative and I wont tolerate attacks, but we need to know the full extent of Obama's time traveling and planet traveling abilities and all the terrible things he has done. The American people deserve to know the truth ... and by the way, Bill Ayers"